So. I have a preliminary date now.

The paper says there can be changes if someone else has to be taken care of before me. But I'll most probably have my operation in the beginning of February.

Afraid?

Jupp. But also brave. You can't really be brave if there's no fear. I hate hospitals. Even if they saved my life. And I know there'll be so much pain involved this time, they wouldn't be so specific about that it's my decision if it's not a pretty bad thing to go through. I just have to do this. And It can't be worse. I guess. Then before. I mean I've had a needle between my fingertips, sewing a scar by hand. Without saying a word.

I know the pain will not go away for ever. It's more like I'll be given a place to breath, that's longer then 3 weeks a time. Maybe a year, or two. And in that time I'm gonna dance again, like crazy. Ride a horse like I used to, run like I used to. That's worth everything.

So, next year will start with me laying down. So I really have to find a place to hide. A place to be lonely. Or maybe not. Maybe not this time. I don't know. We'll see about it.

I'm prepared.

Beautiful freak

You're such a beautiful freak
I wish there were more just like you
Youre not like all of the others

And that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
That is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

Some people think you have a problem
But that problem lies only with them
Just cause you are not like the others

But that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
Yeah that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

Too good for this world
But I hope you will stay
And Ill be here to see that you dont fade away

Youre such a beautiful freak
I bet you are flying inside
Dart down and then go for cover

And know that i
I love you
Beautiful freak,
You know that i
I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

You are all so damn sweet!

So this morning I bumped into 15 messages at myspace/my email that told me they where happy to have found my blogg that I posted info about just the other day. You make me blush a bit but I'll try and keep it as open and pure as I can, even if I now understand that you are actually reading what I say. You know, I prefer to see this blogg more as a monolog, Can't really let go of my words otherwise.

Anyways. Thank you so MUCH for beeing here for me!!! If I had a thousand arms I'd hug you all and bring you to stay in my apartment :P

Love!

/Sol

And then it happens. You are there.

At times back in time, I wondered about people who didn't realise where they were. Who didn't appreciate who they hanged out with and what they had accomplished in life, so far.

Things happen so quickly - but at the same time, when you are in the middle you forget about yesterday.
It's easy.

Today I've had some time alone. Thinking about myself and the road that brought me here. Listening to things I were proud of 3 and 2 years ago. Realizing that all those nights, hours and seconds I've spent on learning, rehearsing, reading, trying and trying and never giving up have given me so much back.

I AM an artist now. I haven't had lika a hugh break-through. But noone question me whit a kind smile, when I say I am a singer, a songwriter and that I try to make a living out of what I do.

I have companies that are willing to work with me because they belive they can make money out of me. Friends who support me because they believe in my dreams. Amazing musicians who are spending time learning chords I have written, and recording on my albums. Musicians I could only dream of even saying hello to.

I have visitors that I didn't ask to drop by. I am on the fucking front-page of a real labels new website, who helped me shoot a beautiful video and master some of my songs.
Read: Happy minds

I'm on my way. I'm travelling. I sease the moment - not in a whacked out ego-boost kinda way - more in a soft kharma way. I can be at peace for a while and know that I must have done something right. And it's enough. I'm here.

A humble request, help me if you like what I do

So...

Those of you who follow me, and know how hard I work to create some beauty for this world: I try my very best to get it together, and now I have all contacts I need and the knowledge to reach out there and give you my soul, love and with a little push I'll be able to travell this world and visit you to become a part of your life.

I don't need anything to keep my inspiration going, but my body needs food and the companys who are interested in promoting me, needs money to do so. So, if you'd like to by me a cup of coffe, a new soundcard, a pretty dress or just give me a small hug in a more physical shape than beutiful words (that I live of at the moment), are welcome to give a small present aftet your own taste by clicking this button. Tell me when you've done so, and I will add you to a special donation list that will give you all music I'll create in the future to you for free. This is a way for me to surrvive and you to get my singles, albums and things for one coin if that's what you think it's worth. I really really need your help right now.

Thanks and I hope that one day I can share love and help you back in return.
/Sol

Give me some resistance and I get stronger

I am enthusiastic most of time. I know I am always a bit humoristic on the outside, that’s my character, created to survive so many serious things in my life. I smile and smile until I smile for real, so to say. I am often seen as a bit “wild” or un-structured because I am open with the ideas and dreams crossing through my mind.
People, who know me, also know I am a person who gets things done, once I have decided so. That I focus on things that can actually be something, and that I don’t get lost in unrealistic thoughts and plans.
So, today I’m gonna tell you about one of the few things related to me as a person, that make me sad once in a while.
My very last shield/mask or whatever you’d like to call it – is the one I put up that have some distance to me and my person. I let me be “the young girl who is okay with that people respect her and her knowledge/ experience, but still think she’s a bit entertaining - something you can joke around with, because she never gets pissed off, just smiles and buys the rules”. This role-playing game’s something I’ve learnt to handle on my way as a girl spending most of my time in a guy’s world. Business wise or not businesswise – the way people meet me, always are drawn at the edge of professionalism and friendship /attraction/ curiosity.
A big part of my success as a person relates to that I sell myself as a product. That’s ok. But sometimes I get a bit mad, angry, tired or just pissed off, being in these shoes, assumed to be playing these games. Sometimes, when I am NOT playing them, just being totally honest, I feel that in one way I have to keep the masquerade up, just because people expect it to be there. Or they think it’s there, when it’s not.
When I simply try to say – hey I adore you as a person – AND I think your project is inspiring, and I really wanna be a part of what you do, on several levels, and I don’t say it to have some advantage or whatever – but the person think it’s so or guess it’s so, it hurts a bit inside. I don’t want people I feel for, think that I am just fooling around with them, as they assume I do with “others”.
What I try to say is: the line between work and privacy often smudge, and that’s natural, and sure – sometimes I’m a bit nicer to get what I want. But when it comes to people I really get interested in, and would like to work with, or spend time with, I always treat them very fair and if I say one thing, I really mean it. On a personal level or a project-sharing level, doesn’t matter.
This is my last weak point. To trust that someone would hang around even if I’m not that “entertaining”. Just because I’m me, and because I am good at whatever fuck it may be. I can hear my voice surfing on the surface, and sometimes I hate it. That flirty, nice, funny me that people fall for, but at the same time keep some distance to, because they are worried she’s just a tease. Well. She’s not.
And that’s when I get really focused, cold and effective. Today is that kind of day. I always think hard and work hard, even if it sounds like I am just spinning around like a mad person. On the inside I am actually pretty calm, still ambitious - but more careful. And I try to be transparent and embrace my surroundings, but when I’m afraid I am being misunderstood, or seen as a naïve, charming youngster, even if it’s just a very small taste of it, I go into my mussel shell and focus on what has to be done, and I back of that girly me and just work my own way to prove I really don’t need what they think I’m after. I only need me, and I’m not that desperate, just very passionate about things I find interesting.
I don’t know if you understand anything of what I am talking about.
I just want to be met with truth, and that what I say or do is received without any preconceived notion about what I have as purpose with my words. If I say I would like to join your company, fuck you, have dinner, learn what you know or borrow your car, - that’s simply the only thing I care for at the moment. It’s not more complicated than that.

And yeah, I’m impulsive. But my heart and brain are fast followers even when I move quickly. Just so you know.

Blessed be.



Haha. Okay. I had to ;)

Reading about tonight

Cool table for mac users!

Free online metronome. pretty neat

Musicovery

Investment something

Human rights in sweden

Am I a buddhist and I think I have got tourettes?

I had the most overwhelming nice conversation with my friend Mike yesterday after my gig. He asked me about my opinion on reality. And where I normally just go: oh. I’m open minded, smile and change the subject – I opened my heart and soul and told him the truth about me and my universe.
So, I have written a book about this, and it’s a 300 pages x 3 books long story, so I can’t tell you everything about it here. But today I will try and explain how my personal matrix works.
I have dreamt about a continuing place called Aviegnona since I were 6 yrs old. I have friends there, a life that grows on its own, a place to live, people that I hang out with and things that I learn, in the same way as I have here. To me – there’s NO difference at all, besides I experience different places, lifestyles, cultures etc in my two coexisting worlds- What I mean is – when I fall asleep here, my attention draws to that other place, and I spend some time there, in the other me, called Tara. When I wake up here – I have to leave her, even if I’m in the middle of something, and she keeps on doing that whatever thing she does, and will have her own days and nights passing by when I’m not there. When I am strong here, like very focused on this reality, she fades away a bit in her world and vice versa. We try to make this work out the best way we can, but in some parts of my life it has been pretty hard for me to draw a line between us. To not float over the line and smudge all edges between her reality and mine.

My teacher over there, has told me that what we prefer to call a soul, grows in a human body as our mind grows, and some people grow so strong souls, that when they die, that soul travels through some kind of reincarnation between two parallel universes. You will be able to remember things from your past (if you are not a perfectly new soul) in each of those worlds/bubbles, but not from both or over the line. What he thinks happened to me, is that my soul/spark/whatever thing - was divided in two last time I died in Aviegnona, and one travelled here, and the other part got stucked and stayed in Tara. This normally never happens to human beings, if you should listen to their theories - so they don’t know why or how this happened. But that’s how I’ve had it explained to me. (Cats live this way though, living in two worlds at the same time.)

So, our universe is parallel to another alike universe, and other universes work the same over and over out there. When you read about reincarnation you learn that when you go back in your memories you remember things with 80-70 years space/blanks in between the different life’s you may have, and this is- as I said before – explained by that you swap world each time you die (IF you are reincarnated, some people simply die with their body, and some gets lost in the space between these worlds, and becomes what we refer to as ghosts – some sort of present mind that are not really here but not yet gone either. )

So, this will do for today, so I don’t freak you out completely =) If you have any questions, please add them as a comment and I try to reply to them. I could tell you thousands of things about the persons living there, their culture, history etc…
I have a song written to my best friend over there, my teacher and guide Maarion. We’ve had our story, our love and our mistakes, our quarrels and so on. So now you might understand my Swimming without webbed toes album a bit more...

Maarion

So – Mike told me the thing I have experienced in the backstreet of my mind, is pretty similar to what a Buddhist believes, so maybe after all I’m not that atheistic at all. *smiles*

So, back to tourettes. I just can’t stay away from my phone. I sit and laugh at myself, oh well. I’m cute, I never behave this way. Okay, to Emma maybe, but I mean she’s my first girl-friend. I could call her 50 times a day and talk about nothing and she wouldn’t care. At least not when she was still single. It’s like when you find a unbelievable great song, and you have to listen to it sooo many times before you can turn it off.
I have not listened enough yet.
Sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Like with this song from Sleepthief. I love it. If I one day may do some collaboration with him that would be such an honour.



haha, oh, that was another great song from my teenage period. Here comes sleep thief!

What a day and what a night!

The strings on the guitar broke, we were late and the rain were poring down when we finally finished. I had left my keys at home, so I had no where to go, midnight passed and then I were saved by Mike from Gompa. I slept in a nice and veeery dark studio at Odenplan and today I don't really know how things will turn out. I don't have a band to soundcheck with, but hopefully Mike will help me out once again. I think his an angel =)

So...

Now I have to create some extra-numbers that I can do tonight, cause the songs we've been rehearsing are to few. Ahhh...I'll have fun anyway =) This is just one of those days. I'm having a crazy end of a perfect month. It's ok.

At least Jaiku's back again :P

See ya!

A voice to explain what I tried to say earlier

All is full of love



Probably the most beautiful video ever.
Followed by:

Green Grass Of Tunnel



Mmm...

Hurt

I'm on a "break a heart mission" today.
I'm a lion trying to kill softly. Or at least fast. Today it won't help me that I'm vegetarian. There will still be pain in someone elses flesh. It won't help me I wrote big warnings on my walls. I'm here again.
It's ironic.

But I'm calm.
There's no fight inside. No part of me screaming, telling me to stay, to act normal, to try a bit longer, to change direction. To be satisfied and embrace what is given.

My Dearest Sister's finally at peace with my decisions. We finally feel the same. Our heart working as a unit. I wrote a song to her - to that stuborn little me once, called Dear Sister.

Dear Sister

Time and life changes. That's what keeps me sain.
Long story short.

My most beloved died 10 years ago.
I held her hand when she closed her eyes.
I still keep her bracelet around my arm every day.
We still don't know what made her crash and burn.
I simply think she wasn't ment to be kept here.
And I'm always the one surrviving. The one left here.
In this beautyful weird place called reality.
Yeah. I'm Romeo and Julia romantic. I'm that forever and ever soul.

Oh, I've experienced love since then. Friends, sisters, brothers, lovers. But so far only fingetipps on the door handle to the inner circle of my Garden. A few have entered in words, given over internet, but none yet in flesh.

And my Dearest Sister, still caught in that last breath, she stays inside. Waiting. Waaaaaiting. Knowing she might spend her whole life, doing that. I kinda love-hate her for acting that way. But now she has moved from that far away place, and lingers under my skinn. It's a odd feeling. Like beeing 17 again, but still a grown up woman.

Oh hey.
This turns out to be a love letter.
It's funny how things shape themself under my fingers. Songs, lyrics writings. I just let them do so. I never go back and edit. Not this kind of things. Just pictures. Not words. There's a difference. Pictures need some help. Some explanation. Words doesn't.

Work?
Haha. Okay okaaaaaay. I have my deadlines. I better get back to them now.

So, to begin with "hurt", let's end it with "happiness".

From me and my dear sister to you.

Love.

Export, render, paste filters, render, copy, erase

High definition.
I’m alone.
It’s me, a screen, a window, a pale sky and the sound of my chair as I change position once in a while. I’m editing the past, editing moments already gone.
I am not afraid of tomorrow. I keep the beauty of yesterday, sheltered in words, letters, pictures and sounds, because I am pleased. Because I’d like to remember things the way I felt them. I add some glow to them and save them to my library.
So, arranging and rearranging some frames, is so much more than just making the perfect movie. I have to get lost in emotions. I have to be honest to kneel the right feeling. I have to step outside of my universe and then back again.
Do you wonder if publishing this poetic bullshit makes me happy? Maybe. I hope I don’t hurt your eyes.
Now I have to prepare a sandwich, I am starving.
Oh. Beside.

1. I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna feel you on the inside.



2. You'll be a lover to my bed, and a gun to my head. We must never be apart.



Soundtrack of today. 90th lovers.

A walk at the graveyard

I got up pretty early today. A walk in the sun, passed by Globen and over the bridge Sofo. Made my sister and her housebound wake up, shower, get in some clothes and follow me down to have some breakfast, loooads of pancakes, as I told you yesterday.

Actually they were a bit rude in the café, having us wait one HOUR before we could enjoy the table, just because they had to "finish slicing some fruit". I excused them. They may have a really bastard to boss, or just some stupid rules. Anyway, I finished at 11.00 AM, slept for a while in my parents apartment an then met a friend from brazil, a nice guy playing guitar. Drop by and give him a visit at:

www.myspace.com/danielmarques

So, bla bla bla, back in what I do and not do. So...

Feel good today:
Phone call from Stefan, (who sang the Swedish National song on my phone answering machine and made me crack a smile of the year. Man I love him).

Feel good tonight:
A walk through Stockholms graveyard, with Björn and a hdvcam. Chill out zone in sweet company and beautiful surroundings, just in my taste. A new, more then welcome friendship.

And something bad:
I have forgotten something, important. And therefor - I don't know what it is. Just that there's something. WHAT IS IT!!! I go through my list over and over. Money, things to do, friends, birthdays...

Something - something sticky, itchy, hairy...iiiiiihhhh.

Pm = Pre night. Am = After midnight. I have decided so. And. THERE is no such thing as "herr-trosa". Oh nooooooooo =)

Ah well. This works fine. I need a car!

See ya =)

Hippi community here we go

Pizza, Coffee, Madeira and three Mac's.

Life can be like this. We have seen the last chapters of Lord of the ring, as always fever inside when memories of my most beloved Antares - my fairy tail one, rushes through my soul. It's been 10 years and I haven't found any words yet. But I have a song on my mind. I might put it on my Gardenia album. If I let it out in time.

I remain in the shadows.

Tonight there's beauty, new friends and a longing for tomorrow. Tomorrow there's pancakes with an elder sister and things to be done.

I might get some sleep.
Though I am open...

Midnight at Skånegatan Stockholm

Muhahahaha!

I am so tired and restless now, that I spend time laughing at reversed video clips. The Swedish language sounds sooo funny in this empty room, and the movement of my eyeballs looks super mega strange.

Do I need company? No. Actually I am fine. I'm having a nice date with my self :P

On the edge

It's been a while.

3 years?

It feels a liiiiittle bit uncomfortable to sit here again. To say hello. I'm back. I'm still alive. I still think so much that my eyes almost bumps out of my head at times, I still have a garden inside where I keep everything and everyone that I love and yupp - I sleep less then I should and I have the most beautiful (but sometimes to odd for not invited to understand) friend-lover-sister-brother-relationships. I’m not complicated, but complex and sometimes I fear that I have a serious schizophrenia going on. So I talk too much, or shut my mouth and hope that you won’t notice.

On the other hand. I’m not here to be hired. I’m here to make my mistakes, learn my lessons and have fun. I wouldn't be that interesting if I were completely cleaned from stupid, self destructive manners? Would I? Yes, dearest. I’m older now then back then, more wise – hopefully - with less sorrow, but the same strength. A bit kinder to myself, but still haunted by love.

No, I’m not doing drugs. I’ve had too many friends dying due to not-meant-for-the-body-input, and I would fail them if I repeated their mistakes and offered my money to things that killed them. You already know this about me: I don’t need alcohol, synthetics or weed to embrace life. I have my passions, I’ve always had. I depend on one sole thing to stay sane - I need hugs and more hugs…aaand more hugs. And sometimes a kiss.

My body works like a scale of a balance. It’s broken inside and needs glue to keep it together from the outside. You, my most beloved, are that only glue. I can live ripped a part, I did for a long long time, but I can’t ask of others to take care of themselves if I don’t. So now I’m asking for what I need. And that’s a little bit of skin. A tender touch. Energy from something shaped well. I’m not. But I keep it together.

I’ve had my cancer; and I have some daemons still jumping around in my veins. It’s okay. In one way I love them. As long as there is pain, there is life. So excuse me if I go and hide sometimes. If I tell you no, even if I wanna dance. It’s not me beeing a bore, just that little freak on the inside having a bad day.

So, hello diary.

Or what are you? A friend, a stranger listening, someone curios or just anybody dropping by? A person who doesn't really give a shit.

Do you?
I give a shit.

About normal things, like breakfast (The first thing in the morning - just a quick shower, then food. I'm having this very cute little dragon in my stomach that wakes me up in the mornings, craving food. I'm not kidding. You may see the scar that brought it in there if you seduce me...)

Or avoiding things like television. I guess you smile now, and think – oh, she’s like that. Sewing her own clothes, drawing her own art, listening to her own music, writing her own poems. You win! You are right. But hey – I read books, I love spending elate nights absorbed by odd or completely normal movies, I love "haning out with my friends" and I have my heartaches and my weak moments. I’m just like you.

Ok. I might not long for a “normal” life, with a normal apartment, family and those things. I like chaos combined with me being alone a lot. I need black and whites, and lilacs and greens. And grays. I’m like a cat.

Mjaooou: “Leave me the fuck alone, but please reach out and touch me right now.”

On the other hand - I find it very amusing to make fun of myself and put different boxes around my person, like I just did. But when it comes down to basics, to that point in the center of my soul where there’s only me alone having a conversation with me– the only and only thing I care for is giving away oceans of love, to someone who can handle it. No borders, no rules. Only pure, wild love that craves nothing in return, besides a pale hope that it’s accepted and that the person will stay alive and be happy and completed.

It’s a bit funny. But we live in a community where people are afraid of sharing that kind of love. My desire for a place where jealousy isn’t needed, because there’s trust and other forms of satisfaction – binds me to the road I’m at.

So. Today The noises in my head differ so much, so they ease out and it's quiet. Like when full light from all coloures becomes white.

Have I just found that place? Have I? That's the one thought bumping around in my head every day now. Have I? I try so hard not to behave like a crazy person, to remain focused. I’ve created a life-style for myself to stay busy and escape the fact that I can’t have what I long for the most. Someone as broad as me. Broader then broadway broad ;)

Breath me, breath me. Be my friend; as Sia should put it (Beautiful creature, visit her at myspace.com/siamusic)

I avoid looking in the mirror when I put my makeup on. Not afraid of what’s in my eyes. Just ignoring the edge a bit longer. Normally I just turn and walk the other way, I never look back. I can’t do it this time. Oh man, I’m trouble. Not for you, I know how to handle myself, no worries. But to me. The vampyria in my chest woke up.
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me, she whispers. Feeee..e.e.e.d *smiles*

She doesn’t want him for herself. She needs him to change absolutely nothing. But she needs him to accept all roses she can bring, all songs she can write and all love she can give birth to. Just because his pure existence makes her so fucking happy. She’s riot. She’s smashing pumpkins and Ava Adore, she’s Utan dina andetag by Kent. She’s completely wasted. Words words, more words.

I know I have left her starving for ages. So I give her this. And even if he disappears or stays the distance, there’s more hope for a future now then yesterday.
And that makes me shine. So keep your sunglasses on.

Ouups. I got lost in words, I always do =)

So - Back to where I started. What’s normal? I guess it depends.

I wanna save the world. Who doesn’t? I wanna build a huge aircraft, where I can put every rapist, murder and unloving person and let them go straight into the sun. BURN you dark ugly human beings. It would be so nice and easy. Huh?

Hmm. Would it make me any better? Nope, I’d fit to go with them if I really made that happen, so I won’t. I won’t judge people, not the one who threw sharp things after me in school, not the man who sliced my youth and virginity in small, small pieces that he made me swallow, not the people hurting each other around the globe.
The only thing I can TRY is to be a great person, and to do my best giving love and affection to my surroundings. I prefer to live open minded, to ask and learn along the way. To welcome both pain and warmth.

It’s no new truth, that what makes you live, also kills you. You can’t stop breathing, but if you could you’d probably have less bad particles and oxidants destroying your lungs, flesh and bones. In the same way you can’t grow, love or have fun, if you are not willing to accept scrubs, lost and grief.

It’s all said before. As most things are. But they are still worthy of a thought.

Today I sparkle