So. I have a preliminary date now.

The paper says there can be changes if someone else has to be taken care of before me. But I'll most probably have my operation in the beginning of February.

Afraid?

Jupp. But also brave. You can't really be brave if there's no fear. I hate hospitals. Even if they saved my life. And I know there'll be so much pain involved this time, they wouldn't be so specific about that it's my decision if it's not a pretty bad thing to go through. I just have to do this. And It can't be worse. I guess. Then before. I mean I've had a needle between my fingertips, sewing a scar by hand. Without saying a word.

I know the pain will not go away for ever. It's more like I'll be given a place to breath, that's longer then 3 weeks a time. Maybe a year, or two. And in that time I'm gonna dance again, like crazy. Ride a horse like I used to, run like I used to. That's worth everything.

So, next year will start with me laying down. So I really have to find a place to hide. A place to be lonely. Or maybe not. Maybe not this time. I don't know. We'll see about it.

I'm prepared.