On the edge

It's been a while.

3 years?

It feels a liiiiittle bit uncomfortable to sit here again. To say hello. I'm back. I'm still alive. I still think so much that my eyes almost bumps out of my head at times, I still have a garden inside where I keep everything and everyone that I love and yupp - I sleep less then I should and I have the most beautiful (but sometimes to odd for not invited to understand) friend-lover-sister-brother-relationships. I’m not complicated, but complex and sometimes I fear that I have a serious schizophrenia going on. So I talk too much, or shut my mouth and hope that you won’t notice.

On the other hand. I’m not here to be hired. I’m here to make my mistakes, learn my lessons and have fun. I wouldn't be that interesting if I were completely cleaned from stupid, self destructive manners? Would I? Yes, dearest. I’m older now then back then, more wise – hopefully - with less sorrow, but the same strength. A bit kinder to myself, but still haunted by love.

No, I’m not doing drugs. I’ve had too many friends dying due to not-meant-for-the-body-input, and I would fail them if I repeated their mistakes and offered my money to things that killed them. You already know this about me: I don’t need alcohol, synthetics or weed to embrace life. I have my passions, I’ve always had. I depend on one sole thing to stay sane - I need hugs and more hugs…aaand more hugs. And sometimes a kiss.

My body works like a scale of a balance. It’s broken inside and needs glue to keep it together from the outside. You, my most beloved, are that only glue. I can live ripped a part, I did for a long long time, but I can’t ask of others to take care of themselves if I don’t. So now I’m asking for what I need. And that’s a little bit of skin. A tender touch. Energy from something shaped well. I’m not. But I keep it together.

I’ve had my cancer; and I have some daemons still jumping around in my veins. It’s okay. In one way I love them. As long as there is pain, there is life. So excuse me if I go and hide sometimes. If I tell you no, even if I wanna dance. It’s not me beeing a bore, just that little freak on the inside having a bad day.

So, hello diary.

Or what are you? A friend, a stranger listening, someone curios or just anybody dropping by? A person who doesn't really give a shit.

Do you?
I give a shit.

About normal things, like breakfast (The first thing in the morning - just a quick shower, then food. I'm having this very cute little dragon in my stomach that wakes me up in the mornings, craving food. I'm not kidding. You may see the scar that brought it in there if you seduce me...)

Or avoiding things like television. I guess you smile now, and think – oh, she’s like that. Sewing her own clothes, drawing her own art, listening to her own music, writing her own poems. You win! You are right. But hey – I read books, I love spending elate nights absorbed by odd or completely normal movies, I love "haning out with my friends" and I have my heartaches and my weak moments. I’m just like you.

Ok. I might not long for a “normal” life, with a normal apartment, family and those things. I like chaos combined with me being alone a lot. I need black and whites, and lilacs and greens. And grays. I’m like a cat.

Mjaooou: “Leave me the fuck alone, but please reach out and touch me right now.”

On the other hand - I find it very amusing to make fun of myself and put different boxes around my person, like I just did. But when it comes down to basics, to that point in the center of my soul where there’s only me alone having a conversation with me– the only and only thing I care for is giving away oceans of love, to someone who can handle it. No borders, no rules. Only pure, wild love that craves nothing in return, besides a pale hope that it’s accepted and that the person will stay alive and be happy and completed.

It’s a bit funny. But we live in a community where people are afraid of sharing that kind of love. My desire for a place where jealousy isn’t needed, because there’s trust and other forms of satisfaction – binds me to the road I’m at.

So. Today The noises in my head differ so much, so they ease out and it's quiet. Like when full light from all coloures becomes white.

Have I just found that place? Have I? That's the one thought bumping around in my head every day now. Have I? I try so hard not to behave like a crazy person, to remain focused. I’ve created a life-style for myself to stay busy and escape the fact that I can’t have what I long for the most. Someone as broad as me. Broader then broadway broad ;)

Breath me, breath me. Be my friend; as Sia should put it (Beautiful creature, visit her at myspace.com/siamusic)

I avoid looking in the mirror when I put my makeup on. Not afraid of what’s in my eyes. Just ignoring the edge a bit longer. Normally I just turn and walk the other way, I never look back. I can’t do it this time. Oh man, I’m trouble. Not for you, I know how to handle myself, no worries. But to me. The vampyria in my chest woke up.
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me, she whispers. Feeee..e.e.e.d *smiles*

She doesn’t want him for herself. She needs him to change absolutely nothing. But she needs him to accept all roses she can bring, all songs she can write and all love she can give birth to. Just because his pure existence makes her so fucking happy. She’s riot. She’s smashing pumpkins and Ava Adore, she’s Utan dina andetag by Kent. She’s completely wasted. Words words, more words.

I know I have left her starving for ages. So I give her this. And even if he disappears or stays the distance, there’s more hope for a future now then yesterday.
And that makes me shine. So keep your sunglasses on.

Ouups. I got lost in words, I always do =)

So - Back to where I started. What’s normal? I guess it depends.

I wanna save the world. Who doesn’t? I wanna build a huge aircraft, where I can put every rapist, murder and unloving person and let them go straight into the sun. BURN you dark ugly human beings. It would be so nice and easy. Huh?

Hmm. Would it make me any better? Nope, I’d fit to go with them if I really made that happen, so I won’t. I won’t judge people, not the one who threw sharp things after me in school, not the man who sliced my youth and virginity in small, small pieces that he made me swallow, not the people hurting each other around the globe.
The only thing I can TRY is to be a great person, and to do my best giving love and affection to my surroundings. I prefer to live open minded, to ask and learn along the way. To welcome both pain and warmth.

It’s no new truth, that what makes you live, also kills you. You can’t stop breathing, but if you could you’d probably have less bad particles and oxidants destroying your lungs, flesh and bones. In the same way you can’t grow, love or have fun, if you are not willing to accept scrubs, lost and grief.

It’s all said before. As most things are. But they are still worthy of a thought.

Today I sparkle