Give me some resistance and I get stronger

I am enthusiastic most of time. I know I am always a bit humoristic on the outside, that’s my character, created to survive so many serious things in my life. I smile and smile until I smile for real, so to say. I am often seen as a bit “wild” or un-structured because I am open with the ideas and dreams crossing through my mind.
People, who know me, also know I am a person who gets things done, once I have decided so. That I focus on things that can actually be something, and that I don’t get lost in unrealistic thoughts and plans.
So, today I’m gonna tell you about one of the few things related to me as a person, that make me sad once in a while.
My very last shield/mask or whatever you’d like to call it – is the one I put up that have some distance to me and my person. I let me be “the young girl who is okay with that people respect her and her knowledge/ experience, but still think she’s a bit entertaining - something you can joke around with, because she never gets pissed off, just smiles and buys the rules”. This role-playing game’s something I’ve learnt to handle on my way as a girl spending most of my time in a guy’s world. Business wise or not businesswise – the way people meet me, always are drawn at the edge of professionalism and friendship /attraction/ curiosity.
A big part of my success as a person relates to that I sell myself as a product. That’s ok. But sometimes I get a bit mad, angry, tired or just pissed off, being in these shoes, assumed to be playing these games. Sometimes, when I am NOT playing them, just being totally honest, I feel that in one way I have to keep the masquerade up, just because people expect it to be there. Or they think it’s there, when it’s not.
When I simply try to say – hey I adore you as a person – AND I think your project is inspiring, and I really wanna be a part of what you do, on several levels, and I don’t say it to have some advantage or whatever – but the person think it’s so or guess it’s so, it hurts a bit inside. I don’t want people I feel for, think that I am just fooling around with them, as they assume I do with “others”.
What I try to say is: the line between work and privacy often smudge, and that’s natural, and sure – sometimes I’m a bit nicer to get what I want. But when it comes to people I really get interested in, and would like to work with, or spend time with, I always treat them very fair and if I say one thing, I really mean it. On a personal level or a project-sharing level, doesn’t matter.
This is my last weak point. To trust that someone would hang around even if I’m not that “entertaining”. Just because I’m me, and because I am good at whatever fuck it may be. I can hear my voice surfing on the surface, and sometimes I hate it. That flirty, nice, funny me that people fall for, but at the same time keep some distance to, because they are worried she’s just a tease. Well. She’s not.
And that’s when I get really focused, cold and effective. Today is that kind of day. I always think hard and work hard, even if it sounds like I am just spinning around like a mad person. On the inside I am actually pretty calm, still ambitious - but more careful. And I try to be transparent and embrace my surroundings, but when I’m afraid I am being misunderstood, or seen as a naïve, charming youngster, even if it’s just a very small taste of it, I go into my mussel shell and focus on what has to be done, and I back of that girly me and just work my own way to prove I really don’t need what they think I’m after. I only need me, and I’m not that desperate, just very passionate about things I find interesting.
I don’t know if you understand anything of what I am talking about.
I just want to be met with truth, and that what I say or do is received without any preconceived notion about what I have as purpose with my words. If I say I would like to join your company, fuck you, have dinner, learn what you know or borrow your car, - that’s simply the only thing I care for at the moment. It’s not more complicated than that.

And yeah, I’m impulsive. But my heart and brain are fast followers even when I move quickly. Just so you know.

Blessed be.



Haha. Okay. I had to ;)