Sols Corner

Closing this blog

2009-04-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone

I am rebuilding my www.solskugga.com, therefor I will start blogging over there instead, to keep my everything under one roof. So you are more then welcome to join me there!

Browse my history here to follow me through autumn 08-spring 09 =)

Look what cool friends I do have, Kingen is the king!

2009-03-21T02:23:00.001-07:00

På återbesök från framtiden

2009-03-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

Vi har ögonkontakt.
Genom glasrutan blickar vi i stilla samförstånd mot varandra.
Kyrkan och jag.

Hon ser ut som en stor uggla, eller som Totoro...
Ett leende på mina läppar.

Jag drar upp knäna mot magen och viker in tårna under den blå filten. Jag har suttit precis så här så många gånger förr. Med tinningen lutad mot det buckliga glaset, ett snöbollsljus vid fötterna och rummet i ett stilla mörker omkring mig. Fönstret är djupt och jag är liksom gömd i väggen - en känsla av att vara ett med inredningen. I dessa ögonblick trivs jag bäst. Här står tiden stilla.

Kyrkans ögon; två gigantiska urtavlor, är vidöppna och ser allt jag gör. Allt jag tänker. Allt jag känner.

Det är något magiskt med att komma tillbaka. För var gång jag kliver in i detta rum är jag en ny Sol. Jag ser att sängen är flyttad, att mina föräldrar lagt besticken annorlunda i köket. Samtidigt finns alla mina möten kvar, som en transparent hinna över rummet; alla skratt, alla klockan 02.00 besök, all vänskap. Jag var lycklig här. Undrande, trevande och rastlös, men lycklig.

Jag har älskat i dessa rum, upplevt närhet och upplevt avstånd. Jag har varit fattig och löjligt rik. Passionerad och sval. Jag har bekantat mig med de flesta av mina nyanser här inne. Jag har fattat beslut på beslut och hat-älskat mitt eget sällskap som vi väl alla gör under perioder.

Men jag har aldrig varit där jag är nu. På återbesök från den där framtiden som jag brukade sitta och spinna fabler om. Det är en skrattretande och underlig känsla att samexistera med den framtid som man en gång drömde om. Att se hur den ser ut. Känna hur den känns. Har du åkt fritt fall?

I sådana fall vet du hur det är att stå i kön och titta upp mot toppen av det där tornet, samla mod och välja att stå kvar. Vänta, vänta. Ytterligare en tröskel passeras när byglarna fälls ned över axlarna och sista chansen att hoppa av karusellen försvinner. Resan upp är oemotståndlig, större delen av tiden är man livrädd, samtidigt lycklig över att man vågade. Att man är ett lejonhjärta och inte bara en liten skit. Dessutom ligger bollen inte längre i ens egna händer. Det är bara att följa med. Sedan stannar man upp, på toppen. Man ser ut över världen som nyss erövrats, kisar och inser att den är allt man drömt om, men aningens för stor för att greppa och om någon gett än chansen hade man köpt en stoppknapp, en frysa-tiden-spak eller en nödutgång för hur stora summor som helst. Sekunderna blir eviga och varje muskel i kroppen är spänd. Hur länge får man hänga där som en stolt flagga? Självklart håller man masken och låter bli att skrika, man kan ju bli påkommen - gudbevars. Och alla vet att det som kommer upp - måste komma ner.

Klick.

Marken försvinner under fötterna. Man faller, faller och faller och ödet bestämmer om man skall överleva eller dö på kuppen. Man hinner förbanna sig många många gånger under den där turen. Hjärtat hinner överväga att lägga av, hjärnan hinner spåra ur och munnen skriker tills lungorna inte har någon luft kvar.

Jag väntar på mitt klick. Njuter av min utsikt och påminner mig om att jag köat jävligt länge för att få lov att stå här i några sekunder. I den där framtiden.

Jag har ingen bygel och inga enorma summor att köpa mig fri för, jag hänger här av egen fri vilja och kom hit på de märkligaste av vägar. Jag är fortfarande förvånad över att toppen på tornet valde att infinna sig, efter alla konstiga spiror jag varit uppe och vänt i. Jag hade liksom vant mig vid att springa i trappor och tyckte att det var ett ganska schyst liv, en slags motivator som gav god motion och en evig riktning framåt och uppåt.

Det ligger en bro en bit ifrån mina fötter. Jag satte dit den själv. Jag vet inte riktigt vart den leder eller vad den är bra för, men jag antar att jag satsar på att komma dit. Fast först måste jag höra mitt klick, falla och eventuellt lära mig att flyga - så klart.

Jag vet bara helt ärligt inte hur man gör, så jag hänger här ett tag. Kanske är jag en naturbegåvning. Det lär väl visa sig.

Jag vinkar till min kyrka och går och lägger mig.
Rummet låter lite som om det fnissar runt mig.

Jag har aldrig varit där jag är nu.

Klockrent!

2009-03-17T13:28:00.001-07:00

To be done in Sthlm

2009-03-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Dinner with my parents
Visiting the countryside (I hope)
Visiting my grandparents on both sides

Hanging out with Marika, Mattias, Annelie, Clara, Ija, Isaac, Marcin, Lasse, Eric, Anders, James ...and maybe some new friends too...

Having 2 gigs
Booking at least 4 gigs to the summer
Working for oneFM - radiostation
Finding some new spots for a music-video
Finishing the structure for a new site I have been working on for a while now

Finding some new clothes?
Bringing some of my old-stuff back with me to Östersund?
Getting a new web-cam! No bambuser lately!!!
Ehhhh...
Coffe, loads of coffe and eating food in nice restaurants!!!!
Dance at mose-backe, hell yeah :P

Could be done in 10 days, right?

Facebook knows it ALL!!! :P

2009-03-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

Result: You are Intellectual Sexy
You've got that smooth, mature kind of sexiness that does really well at Sudoku conventions or just about anywhere.

You've got a bit of the Geek in you, which you stealthily use to your advantage. After all, there's nothing sexier than being smart about what you want and going after it. You have the potential to wow 'em with your choice words and profound insight. Just be sure to find a suitable balance between confidence and kindness. Have courage to speak your mind, but don't forget about giving all your honeys all the love and attention they deserve. (After all, they were smart enough to go for you.)

Result: You are an llama

A lot of people don't realize this, but llamas are the coolest animals on the planet. They are totally laid back, they have stylish hairdo's, and they've got good attitudes towards all creatures, big and small. They're like the "awesome next door neighbors" of the animal kingdom.

You're a llama! Be happy, be proud. Then go out and spread the word that there's nothing cooler than a llama. The world has got to know the truth.

As if I didn't know this already ;)

Trying out new microblogging tecniques

2009-03-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I don't know if this will work, but the thought is that:

https://twitterfeed.com shall send feeds from

solscorner
blip.tv
bambuser

to:

Ping.fm

...that is posting it as a "status update" to:

Myspace
Facebook
Brightkite

AND

Twitter

...that is posting to Facebook (again) but also to solskugga.com through a badge?

Ehhh....

Doggy Style

2009-03-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hmm...

So I sit and think about If I should open a new espresso house, re-build an old building or buy a dog.

Ehmm?

Hmm...
Some day I'll go for a bigger "real" dog, but I do not have the time or space for one now. But a small friend, just a smaaaaall pet ;) I have never spent a summer without an animal-friend of mine joining me in the grass. I better go and chill with Thomas cats soon...

Or give me a small person to sleep at my feet, that would do. Too. ^_^

Nattsvart - känslig? Sätt på TVn istället.

2009-03-05T15:00:00.001-08:00

Män som hatar kvinnor
Jag sitter i biomörkret och blundar
Jag undrar hur många där ute som går hem oberörda
Jag undrar hur många som förfäras för några minuter
Hur många som njuter lite av skräckblandad förtjusning i biofotöljen
Över mänsklig grymhet
Jag undrar hur många som blundar
Hur många som inte Behöver titta
Hur många som Vet vad som verkligen sker inuti de där bilderna
Bortom de där ljuden som skärmen förstorar
Hur många som Vet hur det känns, sekunderna innan kroppen fjättras
Hur många som Vet hur smärtsamt det kan vara att ligga stilla - för länge
Att hållas fast och vridas, styrd av någon annans leder och vilja
Hur många som Vet hur det känns, att släppas fri
Att slängas bort
Att transformeras från att vara människa, till att vara en fysisk massa, för att slutligen övergå i ett tillstånd av icke-varande
Hur många som Vet hur ett sönderskuret, spräckt, misshandlat underliv slits upp gång på gång för varje steg
Hur många som bär en film som denna med sig, genom varje vaken sekund
Genom varje dröm
Som ett tinnitusljud som endast sällan drunknar i verklighetens brus
Hur många som tiger sig genom livet- vänskap, kärlek, sorg, ilska, ensamhet, tvåsamhet
Hur många som är starka nog att dölja sina sår väl eller för svaga för att visa dem öppet
Tala är silver, tiga är guld?
Hur många som väger skönhet mot svärta, accepterar myntets båda sidor och finner en balans
Hur många som missunnar sig närhet, skyller sig själva och straffar sig i tystnad i tron att de uthärdar livet
Hur många som gjort sig hårda, precis som filmens skådespelare
Men som aldrig tar ut lön
Som aldrig vinner något pris
Som aldrig får tvätta av sminket
Som aldrig får en chans att ta om en dålig scen
Eller låta bli den
Hur många som Vet hur ont det gör när tyg rivs i bitar
Hur eviga sekunderna är då en knivsegg skär genom hudens yttre lager
Hur allting fryser under det ögonblick då en annan människa tvingar sig nära, närmre, närmst
Och njuter av det
Hur många som Vet hur makt förvränger ögon
Hur dåligt glidmedel blod är
Hur ytterst lång tid det tar att förlora medvetandet av smärta, rädsla, av händer runt halsen
Hur många som Vet hur det känns när kroppen spricker
När själen spricker
Hur vissa bitar försvinner som strumpor i en tvättmaskin och aldrig mer kan klistras ihop
Hur frän doften av våldtäkt är
Hur triggad en sadist blir av sin misshandel
Hur triggade två sadister blir av varandra
Hur många som Vet hur svårt det är att skrika med munnen fylld av kön, tyg, sprit
Hur många som Vet att sjuka människor inte alltid är obehagliga främlingar med onda ögon

Jag undrar hur mänskligheten orkar leva vidare
Jag undrar över hur ett så destruktivt släkte samtidigt kan nära så mycket kärlek och ömhet
Jag undrar hur NÅGON kan bli så sjuk
Jag kan förstå att någon som blir slagen slår tillbaka
Lagen om överlevnad
Men oprovocerat våld?
Övergrepp
Tortyr
Ge mig alla förklaringar och bakgrunder i världen, de ursäktar ingenting

Jag öppnar ögonen
Jag kan inte gå hem med ett lugnande "puh, det var bara på film"
Jag kan inte vända nyllet mot himlen och fråga gud vad fan det är frågan om
Jag kan inte ringa en vän och skrika att världen är fylld av idioter - det gör inte världen till en ljusare plats för någon
Så jag försöker sprida ljus och värme - klösa mig fast vid mitt eget nu
Vid glittrande snö och tunna dimmor
Vid vänskap, tillit och förhoppningen om att se ett omedvetet leende på bussen
Samtidigt står jag inte ut med rösten i mitt huvud som uppmanar mig att fokusera på livet, på det vackra, på min karriär, på mina nära och kära
Jag står inte ut med att filmen får fortsätta generation efter generation, efter att biografen stänger för kvällen - där ute
Jag överväger att bli galen för att slippa bry mig om att jag inte har något val
Inte ett rätt val
Så jag går mina förbannade promenader, gråter, fyller lungorna med syre, försöker skriva klart en bok som skall vara båda varm, humoristisk och nattsvart och hamnar utmattad och nollställd vid tangentbordet utan att ha blivit en millimeter klokare över världen jag föddes till

Var går gränsen mellan att vara modig och korkad?
Mellan att vara ödmjuk och kuvad
Mellan att vara självständig och martyr
Mellan att se framåt och att leva i förnekelse
Mellan att vara optimist och hycklare
Empatisk och ältande
Vad är värst, att ljuga om sanningar, eller leva med lögner?
Bör världen förmildras eller skall skärpan vridas upp på max tills pixlarna urholkas och visar allt som är skadat och ihåligt

Vad råder man en kär vän?
Hur vet man?
Finns det ett rätt val?
Var texten obekväm, jobbig?
Bra, men förmodligen (tyvärr) var den nog inte riktad till dig.

Intuition

2009-03-04T04:25:00.001-08:00

Click to Play

This video was recorded in Färgfabriken Östersund, in the artist Fredrik Wretmans exhibition "Taptim". Directed by Stefan Hallgren at Happy Minds and edited by Sol Skugga.

2009-02-22T06:08:00.001-08:00

Trying out ping.fm

Trying out Ping.fm

2009-02-22T06:04:00.001-08:00

So I just created an account at ping.fm, I hope this will help me update all my networks at the same time in one click :P

Life. Some days.

2009-02-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

I sit and browse music videos, I already know how to create my next music video for Intuition, but It's always good with some inspiration. I danced, earlier. It's been a while since I did. Arabic flamenco Sol moved through the darkness. Then I fell down on the floor, completely exhausted. When I create, act and dance, all these emotions come out. They make me stronger, but also weaker. I have to remind myself of why I am here, and why I am doing this, and that I can not let myself sit down and have a normal life. I will always have a creative spark inside, but I need both solitude and love, to keep shining.

So I found this: So much beauty, so much truth. About life, society. About you and me. That is what I wanna tell the world about. In my songs, in my words.

And then, I went by an old friend - Kiwi. This small animation always makes me sad, but I can't help myself. I just have to sit down and look at it. Feel it. Can you feel it? That strong, fighting mind and the dream that you could die for. Do you have a dream? I have one. Oh I have one. And the best part of it is I can never really make it come true, so I will bump around like this. Till I drop dead. That's fine with me.

Now I am in the right mood to go back in time and finish some epochs of my book, those moments that I shield myself from, in my current life. Hurray.

Hmm...

You feel the melancholy?
Then watch this and I'm sure you will feel better =)

Haha, or not? ;)

Grab me, add me, tag me and help me get a weeks promo at myspace!

2009-02-12T04:56:00.001-08:00

So: Grab a photo of me, you can make a print screen on this video or grab one from my myspace or solskugga.com, Gardenia cover or whatever else showing me will work, and then upload it to your gallery and tag it as Sol Skugga.

Thank you so very much!!!!!

I'll write a personal love letter to each of you who help me out, hehe! No but seriously, please help me =)

/Sol

On the go

2009-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

So, I have been kinda sleeping through January, and I begin to slowly wake up again. I started 2008 in the coffin, semi-dead, to much work, to much emotional ups and downs, spent the spring finishing my degree in systems design, spent the summer finishing Gardenia and the autumn to think about where to go and where to start.

I ended up with a macBook and loads of papers filled with plans. I have rebooted a couple of times now, and today I feel like high-ho-let's-go!

So, whaz-up?

You know I mentioned I had plans for a site for independent artists and promotion, and tonight I am actually filling it with content. It will take some time, and I do already have a bunch of partners and artists waiting to get started.

I'll be back with updates more regularly from now on =)

More...

Hm.

I have recorded my very first completely acoustic/analog song. A bit radio-pop-rock. I'll have a short break from my Sol Skugga concept this spring, to get lost in different genrés and broaden my skills a bit. But do not worry, I'll bring you some electro-pop-rock materials next winter as always.

Hupp, gotta work now! Stay busy! =)

Kesh, Towis och Skymningsljus - ett brev, tre flickor

2009-01-25T16:16:00.000-08:00

Tre älskade själasystrar
Trollsländor och irrbloss ur mitt förflutna, som jag aldrig för en sekund lämnade i ord och tanke, men som jag likväl aldrig fått förmånen att hålla om i mer än flyende sekunder.

Jag har varit berusat förälskad i er alla.
I era sagor, väsen, sneda ögon och trasiga kanter.
Jag sitter inatt och läser gamla brev, kopierar och länkar samman i långa dokument. Fäller lite tårar, strör lite fnitter omkring mig och skrapar mig tillbaka till 2003-2004. Längre än så. 99?! Få känner min historia bättre än de system som skickat mina ord till er.

Vackra Anneli, som ödet för oss från varandra, först bodde du i Sthlm, jag i Malmö, sedan jag i Sthlm, du i Åre, nu jag i Östersund och du i Sthlm. Jag vrider mig i skratt, sneglar på sj's hemsida men väntar lite. Vi dansar tillsammans snart igen. Jag vet det. Med våren. Som i Kristianstad, minns du. Svettig lycka. Få, gripbara minnen. Men mest breven. Från Australien. Du bar mig genom den jobbigaste tiden i mitt liv. Jag älskar dig alltid, dig och ditt ostyriga hår. Dig och det du åstadkommer.

Amelie, ljuset i skymningslandet. Kom hit, kom hit, vårt möte i somras var alltför kort och mina tankar slog knut på sig själva. Jag är bara en envis, klättrande Sol. Jag söker en platå. Kanske har jag funnit den, så kom dansa med mig här. Jag har fällt tårar över dig, längtat mig galen efter dig, stängt av dig. Du bränns, för att du brinner. Glöm aldrig det =) Vackra, vackra dimhöjda du.

Och Kesh. Lisa.
Du är kvar. Du kommer till mig sist. Fortfarande osedd. Orörd.
Innan januari är slut? Inom en vecka? Jag vågar inte tro på det. Är vi redo nu? Jag har läst brottstycken ur våra irrande, skälvande samtal inatt. Spröda trådar av inget och allt. Virvelvindar, sångfåglar och korpungar. Vi. Jag försöker minnas var du dök upp, men finner inte ursprunget till den tillit som rinner som en fjällbäck mellan oss. Det är som om du har varit där från början. Som en brännande saknad.
Kommer du hit låter jag dig förmodligen inte resa åter. Vågar du, verkligen?
Vågar jag? Kommer slingor ur ditt hår blandas med mitt mörka trassel, tills våra tankar väver galna mönster som vi aldrig mer kommer att kunna knyta upp? Eller blir vi klara som kristall? Rena, skimrande och lugna?

Ni ekar i mig. Jag tror att jag föds där era fotspår och skuggor möts. Kanske är jag intet annat. Än en reflektion.

Vote for Empty Street on p4 Södermanland!

2009-01-23T03:36:00.001-08:00

Help me reach the top of a main radio chart in Sweden! Vote with maximum 1 sms/week. Friday 11.00 until Wednesday 24.00. Send this line with the space kept between P4sörm and 6:

P4sörm 6

to number: 72250 (If you live outside of sweden: 004672250)
I guess P4sorm 6 works if your phone doesn't have an "ö".

Here's a link to the radiochannels web site:
P4 Södermanland.

Help me do this!!!

/Sol

I hit Swedish radio p4 Södermanland tomorrow 12.00

2009-01-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

I'll add a phonenumber here that you should please please send an SMS to, so that I can stay in the newly added music chart for a maximum of 10 weeks, I never needed you so much as now!

Thanks for everything and I hope you'll be with me on this one!

Love/Sol

http://www.sr.se/sormland

Feel me (recorded while writing a new song)

2009-01-21T13:46:00.001-08:00

Click to Play

Two untied shoes, lying around I guess they miss you too
We sit alone and watch the moon.

Two empty boots, I put my feet in them and dance for two
Nobody moves me like you do

One crazy fool, I walk the streets and my feet are super hugh

I can imagine how it feels to be you

Feel me, although Im just a silly girl and
Feel me Im unarmed

Two shallow wounds, I dont plan to sew them, they are open for you
Consider me a door to your own room

Feel me, although Im just a silly girl and
Feel me Im unarmed
Feel me, although I dont come here so often
Id like to be brought along

I did record it properly too tonight, but I'll add some brass to it and stuff, so It'll take sometime before it gets out there...

Gdnight

Interview at a local magazine and words of wisdom

2009-01-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

So, today I have done my first interview with a Swedish magazine 100%Östersund. It felt good, I enjoyed myself and I think I can get used to this ;) Seriously, I realized once again what a trip I've made since 2000 and I tried to draw attention to the persons who have supported me and my music. And actually, I think she understood me and what I try to achieve. It was a smart chick asking just the right questions. And I hope I did push the right buttons. And that I managed to NOT speak about certain things, even if I stumbled once, but I changed the subject kinda smooth...

Some things are not to be explained. Not by other fingertips than mine. And certainly not at this point in my so called career. Or life. Or whatever.

Truthful but not unwise.

Ooooh, and I will be able to shoot my Intuition movie in the most beautiful surrounding ever. Thanks to the artist Fredrik Wretman.

Happy happy me.

I'll get back to this later...

Ahm, I just had to copy this from my friend Emma =)

Goodnight, see ya at bambuser :P

Tomorrow my dear Marika goes here =)

2009-01-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we'll work out everything for my new video, that we will shoot the first section of on Wednesday. I am so exited. I'll spend the night over at the studio today, I have som e recordings to do, and I just finished the press release list, so I better get to work and write those emails...

Hupp, that's all for now. I'll upload some new photo sessions in the end of this week, so if you have any suggestions, hit me ;)

To cold to walk home

2009-01-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda stuck here.
15 minutes from my apartment. I forgot I got here in a warm car, in inside-door-clothes. So am I gonna crash here tonight again?

I donknow. But I do know now I get my mac back on friday! =) Happy me :P Then it's into business!

Just delivered some finished work to people here and there. Gonna finish here and see what happens.

Blahablaha...

See ya!

When there's only me

2009-01-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

It's been a beautiful day.
I made some new contacts, I am invited to a couple of nice new friends this weekend and had a wonderful playful time in the swimming-house (do you call it that?) this morning. I've felt alive and awake and christal clear.

Maybe it's just that the hour passed midnight again
And I'm still so awake awake awake.

A soft trip of loneliness comes crawling, we say hello - nothing more. Old friends, but never lovers. Again - there's only me. I'm like that. Klink-plink. And a piano. A beautiful one - at least...

Mattias told me goodnight 2 hours ago, we spent 3 hours on the phone.
He spoke about love, the beauty of the woman body, about us.
I reply uhm, mmm, ammm, said somthing "wise and optimistic" about longing and friendship and then uhm again.

I have walked through a door, into a world I felt might fit me better. I have wild nature here, a small universe to share, filled with music and a gentle touch now and then. Maybe I grow old before I bump out of it and find that only 10 minutes have passed in the outside world, maybe I trip and fall out of the wardrobe much earlier. I don't know exactly what my mission are, what I am assumed to bring here or not, I just felt these streets calling for me even before I got here, that I couldn't resist. So I decided to move here in August, and here I stand now.

I have spent some days and nights thinking and feeling.
I'm ready to make a room here now, for myself. To get attached.
Vulnerable and at the same time stronger. Wiser. More sad. Happier.
I'm like a guitar. I can play my strings and create vibrating sounds, that echoes from inside.

I listen to my voice
It sounds different now, in this late hour
The Sol Skugga voice.
She sings something about empty shoes. I smile.
Me and the objects surrounding me. A quiet understanding. Truth.
This studio knows me by now.
It says knick-knack-tip and tells me to feel safe and calm.
Embraces me like a big hug.

- It's okay if you rest for a while. Not to long though sweet sunshine.
- Don't worry I reply, I'm on my way. I've had my pause.
I'll go out there to kick some stones rolling again.
To do my things. To stay occupied, some more years. I promise not to fall asleep. I am still fast. I can run away from that mad tiredness. By the way, I feel wide awake. Really. Don't worry, I handle myself.

Oh well dear diary.
Same same.
Yes, things have changed, but there's still only me. Walking this road, but with pleasant company in reach.

Sugar dripping on my inside.

I'd go around the world for you, if needed; I heard it twice today, from two of my best friends. How come I deserve so much love?

Fake it til you make it
I wrote it in my hand, on my arm
Practise makes perfect

Am I?
Perfect?
Now?

I hope not.
Uhh, gotta sleep now.
In the best sofa ever ;OP

Soundtrack of winter's past

2008-12-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose, get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my fathers glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I cant always be around

He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and Im here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror wheres the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thing

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud
I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gona change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Never change

All the white horses

Christmas in the countryside

2008-12-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

So I just taught my parents a bit of reason and logic. I showed the whole project for Weak from beginning till end, adding one channel after another. And I realized that I actually AM a producer. It's been 6 years of dreaming about getting here. Now it can only get better. Next step is to be a great pianist, to broaden my voice, to learn how to record a live-band the best way. To learn the details of the plug-ins I only use now and then. To dive deeper down into the musical universe I have in my mind. I'm not there yet, but I'm a bit closer.

And I wanna edit and direct more movies, work more with photography and get my book published. Next year will truly be exciting.

Enough about me. I hope you are having a wonderful time out there. I was watching Astrid Lindgren, 10 christmas clips, crying. She brought up so many important things, about society, lifestyles, moral and love. I could only hope that one day I will create something that really really matters. Something you can relate to, o matter where you live or in what age you are.

That must be one of the many meanings of life...

Sorry for my English. I'm a bit tired. Gotta shower now and go to bed and read a good book.

Luve ya!

/Sol

Tarot card house - spring will come

2008-12-19T07:21:00.001-08:00

Click to Play

An ambience song I just made, the soundtrack to a magical evenging that I also did record on my webcam for you.

Trade The Movie

2008-12-16T13:34:00.000-08:00

So, the day started in tears and ended in tears. I cried in my sleep as I dreamed that my beloved sisters youngest daughter drowned, and now I have just tortured myself over again, watching the movie TRADE.

tradethemovie.com

It's about trafficking. Buying and selling and using young, pure children.

I have been stuck in this emotional corner so many times before. I truly hope I can make some difference, if so for only one or two persons out there, during next year.

I have so many travels to do. So many places to go. So many neighbors to help.
I think I am done now. That I am so strong as a person, so finished with my personal travel and growth, that I can face this, and act upon it. Not only give away money, but truly get involved.

I'll get back on this subject when I am more calm then now.

Take care of each other and smile to strangers in the street. You never know where they are heading or where they come from...

/Sol

Bird art =)

2008-12-13T08:59:00.000-08:00

A small Café to be

2008-12-13T08:11:00.000-08:00

I sit and think of my definition of a home.
I want a fireplace, a corner for my books and a bed big enough for visitors staying over night. The kitchen should be open and filled with candles. That's all. Maybe a dog, a small cow, a goat and a horse too, if it's a small house in the countryside.

But most of all I consider home to be a place where I can invite strangers, friends, artists and writers to share a cup of coffee or tea, a cake and discuss whatever may be on their mind. A open living room in a small caffe that I own, where I can paint the walls in the colors of my soul, where people can sell art, perform music or just hang around. They may bring their own food, literature or games, or grab something I have to offer that day. I'll create that place during next year, if I can afford it. If I find the right spot. And I will sit down with my guests, work with them, kiss them hello and goodbye and spread my love, show a movie some night and read some poems another evening. Sometimes we offer breakfast, sometimes we don't.

That's how I wanna live, in a mach up with long days in a studio environment, among beautiful, warm and inspiring people.

Can I have that?

Wednesday night amusement ;)

2008-12-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Me and my friend Marika were a bit bored, so we made the http://www.puritytest.net test.

Result: Sol Skugga (38.5%, 200 questions)

Hmmm...what now?

Gardenia released

2008-11-27T11:51:00.000-08:00

New Gardenia album released!

I paint musical landscapes with lust, passion, sorrow and love and invite you to a Garden where you will find only truth.

Listen to my new album Gardenia at www.solskugga.com, free preview untill Christmus. Free download of the entire album (for members only) from the 24th of December!

Also... there's a few signed copies available, so if you like my folk-lore, new wave, electronica kinda rock, get your hands on it now and let our fingertips meet...

www.solskugga.com

With all love/Sol

A break and Christmas holliday

2008-11-25T08:20:00.001-08:00

You might have noticed that I have not been blogging so much this month. I am publishing my memoirs at www.solskugga.com and promoting my new album Gardenia - so I don't really have time to write here that much. I'll be back on the new year, but till then please visit www.solskugga.com for updates, news, some poems etc, and I am struggling to translate those writings for you...

Love/Sol

I'm beeing feautured on USA radio!

2008-11-17T01:48:00.001-08:00

the R.A.D.A.R. Report :: Channel 43 :: XM Satellite Radio

Jackson United Trigger Happy California
Tat Road To Paradise United Kingdom
Ann Lee This Is What You Need Italy
Jason Adamo Miracle North Carolina
Stephen Jay Self Avoiding Random Walk California
Cockpit Shot In Hell California
Ravelyn Another Masquerade Texas
Midatlantic Writing In The Sand Massachusetts
Evergrey Soaked Sweden
Talking About Commas Kids, Jobs, Women & Gods Rhode Island
Sol Skugga Ghost Sweden
Half Acre Day Carpool Washington

Radar report

popcuts.com

2008-11-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have found a smart new site, I just have to make some buzz about it =)

So here's how it works. You buy a song from me, and then, for every new sale I make on that special item, you get 40% of the money. Like an investment program, where you can actually make money by supporting me. Spread to your friends and let's earn some money together ;)

New site finally launched

2008-11-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

It feels sooo good to have my site up, go get yourself an account, download my music for free, crawl into my past through words, illustrations and so on. I'll keep adding content to it every day now =)

Also, I'll spend November in two ways: completing my book and recording an unplugged cd with jazz and pop songs, that i will perform in restaurants etc during next year. Might be some Christmas songs to...haha.

Since I'll pay time and effort in my book, I won't show up here so much before new year, so take care and drop by my www.solskugga.com instead =) I think about publishing my new book chapter by chapter in my members area, what do you think?

see ya!

/Sunny

Suck.

2008-11-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

Orka inte ens skriva ner det där som ramlade ner för mina kinder nyss.
Och jag kan fortfarande inte tillåta mig utrymme att berätta om varför jag egentligen är ledsen. Munnen pratar om ekonomi, boende och karriär när den inre monologen vältrar sig i minnen och rädslor som är förknippade med människor i min inre krets.

Jag är bara så trött på att förklara.
På att behöva vara en del av det där förflutna som kryper upp i nacken och flåsar med jämna mellanrum. Hade jag inte skakat av mig det där? Lyckades jag inte lura mig att jag kunde leva i nuet utan att ha ett förflutet som någon annan än jag själv har del i?

Jag är fortfarande en dumsnäll ko. Men spö ska han ha. Nästa vecka.

Love and Affection.

Han lever bevisligen i alla fall...och våran tankeöverföring fungerar fortfarande.

Haha.
Not.

Evening in Sthlm

2008-11-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm back in Sthlm, trying to take care of a tired Mattias. I think we'll watch Ronja Rövardotter and sleep soon. What's with the world. My friends struggle so hard, with so many great ideas, still it ends up with people feeling sick around me. But I'm back on my feet now, pretty calm and actually longing for online conversations again.

Tomorrow you'll see me in the city, and on bambuser, working my new web page =)Tonight I have almost finished my booklet for Gardenia, it's a bit hard to get the songs in a pleasant order, we'll see where it ends.

Gahw. Uhm.
Jaddi jaddi...same same.

I'll be deeper another day ;)

Finally finished my Gardenia album

2008-11-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

As you might have noticed, I have been inside my Garden, taking care of my roots, my beloved and myself for a while. Tonight I have just finished mastering my Gardenia album, so just give me 1 week to get it in order to be printed, might be that a bigger promotion company enters the Sol Skugga boat this time, if not I release it online in a downloadable version. I am completely broke now, so I just have to work a bit to have money enough to post and print promo-ex to everyone out there who helped me out with my "swimming without webbed toes" last winter.
Please hang in there, I am very close now =)

I hope you are still out there and that I'll be able to touch you another time, after this 4 month of silence. This time I give you the key to my Garden, it's not a dark place, it is a realm full of white flowers, sparkling water, green grass and completion - but also sorrow, as it comes with life.

And love.

That warm love I've been seeking (If I have found it? Well, listen to the last song on the record and create your own opinion) ;) *hint hint*. So cry with me through this songs, be angry with me, or just lay down and cover the love of your heart with kisses, as I have done, working on this album. And don't be afraid to feel.

And don't be surprised if next album comes out with some punk-pop-jump-around sound ^_^ Underneath all this murky, dark shades I have presented to you, I'm a big smile painted by the rainbow. To really be true to yourself, I believe you have to embrace every part of your inside.
Bla bla bla ;)

Also check out my www.solskugga. nu next weekend, you'll be able to log in och get your hands on everything I can possibly give away. I know you haven't received Empty Street yet, I've had big issues on how to send files to you, that I hope I'll solve this week.

So, once you have received Gardenia and listened to it, please tell me which song (on top of Empty Street) that you'd like me to create a winter-music-movie to in December. It'd be nice if we could work together in this way. Also, I'll need room to stay around New York, Boston, Los Angeles, California next spring. If you'd like some company, please tell me so! There's no place I'd rather be then in your living-room really.

I trust you with my soul and hope that you are not complete freaks out there ;) *laugh*

Help me do this and I'll do my best to spread some beauty in return.

-Sol Skugga

20.35

2008-10-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

I just finished the outro for Gardenia. It sounds like a "speldosa" song. I don't know the word in English, you know one of those small, small jewel cases that comes with a song when you open it? Dinge-linge-ting kinda sound.

It's dark here, though it's snowing outside. The very first, pure snow. Winter.

I leave this place on Monday. Oh, hum...
My thoughts are slippery right now.

I guess I just wanted to say hello, I'm here, still alive. Had a beautiful night by my self yesterday. I believe I'm heading towards that little house in the countryside. For a while.

Where are you going?

Oh man I am so tired

2008-10-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't see any difference between night and day, Saturdays or Mondays. I just finished a 48hours trip with a webpage, now I am working with the booklet for Gardenia, writing lyrics and re-touching the last pictures for the cover etc. Tomorrow will be a night of in Hackås with Mattias, I really really look forward to NOT work at all.

Oh, so what more?

The book about my life is growing. I have once again found some space to write on it, and this time I think I can manage the transparency that will be needed to finish it.

Love ya all very much, I just have to stay "off-line" and focus on my health a bit longer, so I don't loose my mind completely.

I hope you are having a wonderful autumn out there, don't forget the details ;)

Love/Sol

Another review and something funny

2008-10-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

Here's another review of Swimming without webbed toes.

Just a funny thing.

I have now met two guys both involved working with my first album. I think god made a decision to make a joke about the title of my first album, and he succeeded =) They both have webbed toes...

I'm now on my way to the train to Gränsfors and Thomas. Will record fiddle, some guitars and things on my last songs, then it's finished =)

Staffan Österlind in interview tonight

2008-10-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

Visit http://radiosfh.org tonight at 20.00 and pay attention to my lead guitarist and co-producer Staffan Österlind. When you're at it, visit him at myspace.com/staffanosterlind and check him out. He's an amazing musician and person in many ways...

If you stick around you might hear some Sol Skugga tunes in that interview as well ;)

Min dagbok för 2005-2006

2008-10-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

Finns nu tillgänglig här:

Dagbok 2005-2006 för allmän beaktan

Jobbar för fullt med mitt album nu och hinner inte vara närvarande i etern. Mkt nöje.

Reklamutrymme

2008-10-09T01:21:00.001-07:00

Tjo!

Vi driver ett produktions och digital-promotion företag som är under uppstart och kör igång med en ny site i början av det nya året. Vi kommer att kunna erbjuda osingade så som signade band en plan som inkluderar allt från mixning, mastring och layout, till skivsläpp, ditstibution över nya mediakanaler på nätet samt tipps och trix längs vägen. Tanken är att ge ER alla verktyg som behövs för att driva er musik så långt som möjligt, i en trevlig förpackning som gör att ni slipper ägna timmar åt att jaga rätt kanaler/kontakter etc på nätet. Hjälp till självhjälp helt enkelt.

Innan den nya siten är igång på allvar, där ni kan skräddarsy den hjälp ni behöver, kommer vi att ta mindre uppdrag inom layout, webb, mixning, mastring samt recensering.

Välkomna till www.solskugga.nu och kika under fliken we wanna help you =)

Ses!

/Sol
Accented Studios

Secrets

2008-10-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished my business-plan for Accented. It will take about 5 month to finish the beta-release of the site I will develop. And about a year to have it up and running as a complete service doing what I have now decided it shall do.

So, after 4 years of thinking and thinking, moving to Stockholm and meeting Mattias, suddenly made me realize what it is I wanna do. What I can use the dust in my pockets for.

More info will come.

Tomorrow I leave for Östersund and this month will be dedicated to finish my second album and get it out there. November and December will be papers, words, phone calls and going back to object oriented design maps, RUP and SQL-queries. I'll be a data-nerd again.

It's all about sharing, action and reaction.

My life at the moment

2008-10-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

A home filled with music, warmth, 4 handed piano play, buss trips without destination. Rain that makes me smile, a playful hand in mine and I am free to give away as many hugs as I can possibly give away. Soft conversations and free space to breath.

I've had one week of holiday. I've managed to build a pure ground.
I don't know what I am heading towards. But I know what I have and what I wait for. What I am so carefully shaping my life after.

I have made my decision.

Autumn leaf

2008-10-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

First: there's gonna be weekly updates on http://solskugga.blip.tv, so keep an eye over there if you laiiiik toooo.

I woke up early.
I tasted the smell of autumn leaves under my feet.
I felt the strength but also the weakness of a new day in the air.
Breath in breath out.

Opening my e-mail.
13 new bands that are interested in my helping them out in different ways.
This thing might really work!
I just have to organize some more.
Find the time, the love and the focus.

I know I'm completely alone, more alone then ever today, although I'm surrounded by the best of friends and though we are now 2 persons in my company.

It's ok.

Oh.
I went to a movie yesterday.

Patrik 1.5

It was like opening a window to my past.
The dreams I had.
The words I were exposed to.

I have a huge huuuuge longing to take care of lost persons.
Lonely and disjointed persons.
I spent years doing this.

In this movie though, it worked.
The persons involved were fragile, but not broken.
Strong but sad.
I still wanna go there one day.
With my new insights.

I will teach. Eventually.
I will build a place for hungry souls. Abroad or in Sweden.
I need to feed dying plants before they fade, before they turn into werewolves and can no longer be kept safe. Someday.

But not today. I am still not finished.
I still have to fall apart, let go of the leafs on my branches and learn what's inside.
I still have a gap that I have to rebuild, so no one else can find it and fill it with crap and dirt.
But I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.

I see myself.

Med ögon känsliga för grönt

2008-10-01T04:47:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

Me and Mattias having a home-jam-session =)

Massive problem with the new Myspace music player

2008-09-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

We all know that myspace hasn't been the most brilliant page to edit with html and css. As an artist, it lacks lot's of functions that for example reverbnation has developed. Over time though, every serious band have built a myspace promo page, cause everybody know of myspace and go there to find new music. The major thing with myspace, for me and for thousands of other bands, have been the ability in the player to count the numbers of listeners dropping by, and to give you nice statistics over how popular you are. Some have worked pretty hard to get those numbers up, including me.

Last week, we heard through media that the new, flashy super cool myspace app should be released - lifting myspace as a music comunity and reaching up to iTunes and amason standards. Great, I thought. I might put some more energy into my myspace once it's out there.

What I have some days later, is a player that doesn't work at all, it displays wrong songs, some of them won't play, the counter is reset to the sum of my recently added songs, which means ALL my statics over listeners the past 2 years are gone. That makes a different from 18000 plays to almost 100000 for me. I am about to release my new album pretty soon and that different makes a different when approaching radio channels etc. Myspace forums are crowded with angry and disappointed bands such as me - but no reply from myspace crew.

There's always bugs, beta-releases etc in the cyber world, but hey, myspace is one of the biggest communities in this world atm, shouldn't they be able to change a player without loosing their users trust?

I really hope they fix this bug, and hope for their sake that they atleast saved a backup of earlier information or I'll write them down without mercy.

/Sunny

Noterat i Metro på bussen från Lund

2008-09-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

Under signaturen Split Vision skriver någon en insändare till Metro med rubriken: Tjejer är bra på teori - killar på praktik. Iom att jag inte hittat insändaren på metros hemsida, tar jag mig friheten och citerar den rakt av innan jag måste fälla några kommentarer.

"Någon skrev (22/9) att tjejer pluggar mer för att komma in på skolan, och det stämmer. Tjejer är bättre på teori, medan killar är duktigare på praktik.
Exempelvis är tjejer duktigare på teoriprov för körkort, men de är betydligt osäkrare som bilförare. Killar är ofta slarviga på teoriproven men är betydligt skickligare på själva körandet och vågar pröva nya sätt att köra, köra fortare, testar sig fram till mer kunskap och kan därför utveckla sitt körande.
Detta kan jämföras med högskolans och yrkesarbetets värld. Tjejer har höga betyg med vet inte riktigt hur de ska omsätta kunskaperna i praktiskt arbete på en arbetsplats och får därmed ofta administrativa poster, medan killar ofta blir duktiga i yrken som har med genomförande att göra.
Killar blir därmed duktigare på att göra rätt saker, medan tjejer gör saker rätt men inte vet hur helheten ska bli bra."

Den här texten, som skrämmande nog inte känns ett dugg oväntad eller på något vis obekant under hornhinnan, höll mig upptagen i ett roat(?) samtal under 20 minuters färd från Lund till Malmö inatt.

Efter att ha växt upp som akademisk-hippi i ett fullkomligt jämlikt hem, med en vänskapskrets bestående av så väl rabiata-feminist-veganer, politiskt korrekta intellektuella män, filosofiskt lagda romantiker, anarkister, sexister, idealister och en drös småstads-svin i form av lata män och kvinnor i yngre medelåldern; har diskussionen och debatten om könskvoteringar, jämställdhet och kvinnligt och manligt ofta tenderat att skrämma mig på flykten. Tyvärr.

Dessa diskussioner tenderar att i bästa fall nå upp till någon form av välgräddad pajkastning, där anklagelser och försvar tillslut handlar om vem som stängde toalett-locket flest gånger. En gång klev jag passionerat in med mina åsikter, erfarenheter och förhoppningar och den där orken som jag tappade någonstans mellan 2001 och 2003 börjar komma tillbaka. Jag minns hur jag kunde debattera med ett sprudlande lugn i dygn när det kom till sakfrågor jag kände för, hur jag älskade att ställa människors inrutade vardag på kant och plantera små speglar i deras liv. Speglar som ändrade deras infallsvinkel bara en aning. I bästa fall.

På www.sika-institute.se kan man i pdf-form ta del av den nationella resvaneundersökningen, RES 2005–2006. Här framgår att män tillryggalägger flera mil/år i bil än kvinnor, samt att de orsakar flest bilolyckor. Om detta har att göra med antalet körda mil eller deras sätt att köra är dock outtalat och kan endast spekuleras i. Oavsett vilket så hade det varit spännande om signaturen Split Vision hade kunnat bidra med någon ny statistik bakom sin hypotes att killar utvecklar, samt blir skickligare i sitt körande genom att exempelvis köra fortare. Övning ger färdighet och med lite mod är hälften vunnet, det köper jag absolut. Men har detta något med chaufförens kön att göra? Är detta ett bärande argument för att killar är duktigare på praktiska utföranden än tjejer?

Draget till sin spets: är kvinnor två stympade armar knutna till en hjärna som processar bra så länge ram-minnet inte överskrids och män lobotomerade muskelknyten med sinnena på givakt? Är det på grund av en längtan efter att förena dessa två beta-versioner av en fungerande människa, som merparten av vår befolkning ger sig ut på krogen och raggar var och varannan helg? Är det så här Svensson svensken ser på könsroller? Idag? 2008?

Vad hände med det vackra i att vara kvinna, det vackra i att vara man? Var tog stoltheten och det mjuka utbytet dem emellan vägen? Finns det bara konkurrens, klyschor och tråkiga roller kvar att spegla uppväxande generationer i?

Jag har ingen tv. Men idag såg jag reklam för nokias nya "tjejmobil" som går att köpa tillsammans med ett 3-abonnemang som dessutom drev hejdlöst med norrlänningar. Det finns ett fåtal fysiskt grundade konsumtionsbehov (tamponger ex) som skiljer kvinnor och män åt och det går säkerligen att finna ytterligare beteendemönster som är karaktäristiska för vardera kön, men snälla snälla, släng inte upp 3 rosa, gulliga mobiler i mitt och mina systerdöttrars, samt deras killkompisarsansikte och kalla dem "tjejmobiler". Vilken kille kommer vilja eller våga köpa dessa, även om han tilltalas av både dess funktionalitet och yttre, vice versa? Borde inte alla ha rätt att köpa allt, åtminstone när det kommer till teknik? Och om tekniken skall bli könsrelaterad, snälla grunda det på programvara och lösningar som inte bygger på urholkade generaliseringar.

Gud förbude att alla människor omstöps i samma form och att kvinnor blir män och män kvinnor, men låt oss för allt i hela världen ge varandra utrymme nog att sväva fritt på skalan. Heja, killar och tjejer, do your magic. Var teoretiska, platoniska, fysiska, organisatoriska, lyriska. Jag är bara sjukt trött på att höra talas om "duktiga flickor" och "händiga killar".

Jag är inte svart eller vit. Inte grå heller för den delen.

Vilken färg är du?

Midnight toast and strangers in my room

2008-09-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'm almost done here now.
My room is empty. Just a few things left.
A piano, a guitar. One box with lyrics and company-related papers. One with kitchen things.

That's pretty much it.

I'll go to sleep now. I have been offline for some month, I had to take care of my self. I will be back in Oktober. For now - bed bed bed.

See ya in Stockholm!

Wickmanska gården

2008-09-22T14:17:00.001-07:00

Live at Wickmanska gården the night of culture 08 in Lund. On stage Fredrik Courcambeck-Wahlqvist on Acoustic Guitar | Fiddle and Martin Ekdahl
Fiddle and Sol.

It's very live, sadly the recording volume were to high, so there's distortion in the video-clips from this eveing. I've tried to edit the sound quality so use your imagination a bit and you are almost there =)

Oh. And it's live. *smiles*

To see more from the show, visit: http://solskugga.blip.tv

O ett litet paket

2008-09-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

Ni är många som genom tid och rum kunnat ta åt er av dessa ord, även om dagens paket går till min käre Birk-ur pojk-ur. Snart ses vi och skuttar över helvetesgapet några vändor =)

Pjesent

Du och du och alla ni

2008-09-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

Det finns människor i mitt liv som sprattlar i maggropen, får mig att le och vilja växa, bli större, vackrare, klokare och därigenom lite evigare.

Som vanligt vill jag inget hellre än hoppa ner i fickan på de irrbloss och eldsjälar som flätas samman med mina innersta energier. Jag vill kura upp tätt intill, följa med, bjuda på te, uppmuntra, krama om med ord, armar och ben och vara allt det där som känslan i magen vrålar om. Det bor så mycket ömhet i mina relationer. Så mycket trygghet, ärlighet och värme. Samtidigt så mycket skörhet. Jag är alltid så rädd att bli missuppfattad, att den kärlek jag vill ösa över min omgivning skall göra den sårbar, istället för stark. Ja tack, jag tar gärna emot ett paket då och då. Det gör mig rörd, skimrande stolt och glad. Och jag hoppas att de paket jag räcker över i form av ord, beröring av själ och kropp, skall kunna vandra vidare ur era händer - till vackra människor i er omgivning. Som en mjuk ring över stilla vatten. Först då har jag lyckats i min strävan.

...

Jag iakttar mig någonstans snett bakifrån, ovanifrån. Ser hur jag med febril omtanke försöker lägga ut dessa små presenter på rätt ställen, hur jag samtidigt håller tillbaka och avvaktar lite. Jag ger mig. Jag ger mig. Du får mig, du får mig. Idag, i morgon, för alltid när jag väl bjudit in dig till min trädgård.

Mitt Gardenia.

Så jag trampar mina vägar, vårdande mitt fåtal, ack så värdefulla älskade. Kryper vidare genom det nät jag spunnit över Svea rike. Matar, pysslar om, kramar och bedyrar kärlek för att få behålla er som betyder allt för mig. Allt.

Emma, Annelie, Amelie, Kesh, Marcin, Isaac, Te Stefan, Von Thomas, Julius, Lasse, Naim, Ija, Mike, Axel.

Ni fick mig att våga kasta tejpen som gömde ärren, ni har stött mig utan att veta det själva, genom att vara fantastiska människor. Modiga i era egna universum, i vart litet beslut. Vackra i era misstag och snedsteg.

Ni har erbjudit mig små hem, längs den väg jag vandrat mot min egen lilla vrå. Ni har delat mina tankar och drömmar utan att skratta, visat mig delar av era egna inre-skrin - var och en på sitt sätt. Inget och ingen kan någonsin ersätta er plats. Men här finns utrymme för fler. Mina ängar blomstrar, här finns skugga för brännande sol och regnet som faller är ljummet som dagg. Bjud in era vänner. Era älskade.

Ni är en del av min familj.
Och dem ni väljer att älska, älskar jag därför - genom er.

Så i höst landar jag i två nya hem.
Jag kommer att trampa försiktigt över dessa nya trösklar, som rådjuret stiger över frostbelupna tuvor.
Jag hoppas att vi skall motivera varandra att bli det bästa vi kan.
Att jag skall få följa era äventyr och vara en liten pelare att luta sig mot när det behövs - som tack för hjärtrummet och stjärtrummet =)

Jag har funnit ett nytt lugn.
Trots att min horisont vibrerar och linjen är suddig.
Spänning.
Rädsla.
Trygghet.

Jag har mycket att förlora.
Jag är rik.

Nu blev det ett brev till nära och kära detta.
Glad höst o gonatt gott folk.

Love ya always.

Impressive work and inspiration

2008-09-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

What to do in the middle of the night

2008-09-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

* Browse channels in Jaiku and spam them with your best url.

* Record your typing, add some dist and ta-daaaa - it sounds like a horror movie filled with running spiders

* Stalk your best friends when they sleep and hope that they will still love you in the morning

* Find some beta-sites in up-coming countries on the web-map and be the first Swedish girl in there

* Eat something :P

* Gotobed!

Oh, uhhh, a bright light. I just found out what I really wanna do. I'll finally publish my writings about insomnia etc...

I just bought www.gotobed.se

I'll make an Insomnia and sleeping disorders site, with info about dreams, facts, new science etc. This will be fun!

Nightynight!

Ihhhaahhoo...

2008-09-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Uhh, good morning =)

Here's the link to where I'm in the radio today!

p3 radio

Gotta leave for Lund now, to buy my Emma a computer and myself a HD cam...

Intervju with Lars-Peter Hielle from radio -P3

2008-09-17T17:05:00.002-07:00

Oh.

I woke up today. Tried to find my clothes (they were gone gone, like when you have been out, drunk, come home (with someone?) drop them all over the fucking place and most probably if you had socks, you will never find them again.)

I just find something to put on when a nice guy Lars-Peter Hielle called me and asked to make an interview about me and why I am broadcasting over Bambuser. Hey! Sure, I thought and jumped about a meter up and down. Media media media, give me more =)

So, we tried to hook things up at my place, and the internet-connection were bad, the sound bad-er and everything just not good at all. So I collected my beloved mac book, and found a buss to Stefans place. So, the interview were mad in his kitchen, and you can see it here already. But scroll about 15 minutes into the clip, cause I had problems with the sound from the beginning.

It will all hit P3 news tomorrow I'll give you a link once I have one!

Life is great ;)

See ya later sweethearts!

/Sunny

A new sort of goodmorning =)

2008-09-17T17:05:00.001-07:00

Oh, a guy from P3, Swedish radio just phoned me and asked to interview me about Bambuser =)

It's a good day today, more media into my life :P

Tell ya more about the event later!
Here we go!

/Sunny

FRA

2008-09-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

So, as always when it comes to politics, I'm a bit late. I listen, read, listen and read until I think I get it right, then I decide what to think and then I act. Today I joined demonstrations against FRA (read more: http://stoppafralagen.nu/ and here: http://www.riksdagen.se/) in Malmö. Here come some video shoots from the very warm and calm, but also very determined demonstration.

So. WHY did I join the demonstration? Do I have something to hide? Do I not wish to fight criminals? Am I not a god member of my country and therefor willing to be open with all information I have?

Let me reply with some questions.

Do you trust your family? And even if you don't, do you think it's ok to sneak on them and their privacy?
Do you read your girl/boyfriends sms/mail/letters?
Would you track the pages your child visit on internet, the conversations he/she has in a community etc?
Would it be ok if your boss secretly listened to and recorded the conversations you and your colleague have in the lunch break or in the office?
Would you be upset if you knew that someone you didn't even know about read or listened to private dialogues between you and another person?

Maybe you have no top-secret secrets in your life, no super ideas to have patented, and no black-income or whatever going on. Maybe you don't care if people know about your sexual life, your politic color or your favorite web-site. Maybe you don't care if you live in the Matrix or not. If someone keeps track about your normal day behavior or not. Maybe you trust society and the government fully and believe that Sweden will always be a safe and democratic place to live in. Maybe you trust the military and the politicians and will let them have their ways to fight crimes and hope that only the bad people will be affected. You might believe that human beings are good. That the lines they draw will be fair and respectful. That they will never ever even think about to sell out your information to other companies that can use it to tie you around their fingers.

Maybe, in a distant future, you disagree with something happening around you. Maybe at times when you are angry or happy, broke, in love or sheathing, you'd like to absolutely keep it to yourself.

I prefer to spread my thoughts and believes in a controlled form. I like to have monopole on my words, my knowledge and my weaknesses. I prefer to be able to always choose to give away parts of myself, no matter what parts it's about.

Therefor FRA is nothing I can accept.
I will take the consequences of blogging and discussing things in forums, but at least - I wanna know that what I think I keep private, will remain private.

That's about it.

And IF I can be at help, the government or military or whatever institution may ASK if they can track my conversations etc...and IF I really seem like a bad person they may spy on me as much as they please. But get the fuck out of here if I am not on the black-list.

Thank you very much.

En gång skrivet om att växa isär

2008-09-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

Grenarna skapade en flätad mur, en tät tavla i djupgrönt och skirt rött bakom dem. De vandrade hand i hand, i tystnad.

Det fanns ingen tid där, heden under hans yttersta lillfinger sträckte sig åt vänster, ut mot evigheten. Havet låg suddigt under tunna moln, orörligt som hennes hår.

De vandrade utan mål, eller också hade de glömt orsaker och syften. Hans naglar ritade smala märken i hennes livslinje, tvära jack som samtidigt kändes mjuka. Avtryck utan mening, omedvetna. Invanda.

Hon tittade aldrig på honom, inte egentligen, hon såg mot sina fötter. För varje steg tycktes de rycka med sig en bit utav marken, grässtrån, kvistar – bark. Naturen klädde henne i smala stövlar, knähöga, krypande upp längs hennes lätt solbrända hy. För var millimeter utav henne som täcktes, fjärmades hans naglar en aning. Känslan utav närhet, ömhet och smärta - tunnades ut och hon vred huvudet, bara en aning. Fångade hans dimmiga skepnad i ett andetag innan hans händer försvann helt.

Hon fastnade i steget.

Barken klättrade upp över hennes panna, omslöt hennes hjässa och drog hennes hår uppåt i smäckra grenar. Hon stelnade så, med blicken riktad ut mot heden, sökandes den sista konturen av honom. Fastväxt i marken, med honom skir som dimma - flytande ut över gräset. Ut i luften.

Bort från henne.

Små minnen ur det förflutna

2008-09-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Jag dök ner i min hårddisk idag. Öppnade min blogg från 2005/2006 och fastnade i någon timme i ett virrvarr av tankar, liv och längtan. Sökte dikter att publicera på min nya hemsida och fann istället ärliga självporträtt från en tid då ord satta på pränt utgjorde ryggraden i mitt väsen. Mest för att det roar mig själv och speglar den unga kvinna jag utvecklats ur, tänkte jag klistra in små vykort från denna tid i min nya blogg. Det blir på svenska och jag tar inget ansvar för mängden, längden, logiken eller innehållets nutida relevans - men kanske finner någon av er där ute det roande att ta del av min historia.

Kanske kan den tom spegla er själva.

2005-05

...

Stand by mode
Det känns så
Surret utav en maskin som står på, fast den är av. Redo att fungera men i viloläge.
Under ytan flimrar det, tankar hit och dit. Arbete som utförs i det gömda, glömda.
Vem skall trycka på knappen?

...

Idag är mina snöflingor fjärilar och kylan som rinner in mellan rutorna lekande fjällbäckar.
Små frekvenser perfektion.
Ser du inte?
Det är nog för imman på dina glasögon.
Du är för koncentrerad på att andas.

...

De som faller för mig, som säger sig älska mig och min glöd, mig och mina stilla stunder - är som bladen på träden.

Långsamt singlande mot marken.

Mina grenar sträcker sig uppåt mot något som jag inte vet om jag någonsin skall eller får nå.

Min strävan ligger i något annat.

...

DU är som jag. Eller hur? Jag vet det redan, det väser under min hud. Du tar mitt sinne med våld och mitt hjärta med tårblandat skratt.

Det finns en sublim gräns mellan galenskap och skönhet. Kaos.
För sådana som lever på gränsen - sådana som Jag och Du - är allt endast olika nyanser i ett virrvarr omkring oss, genom oss, i oss.

Jag tror vi är av samma färgblandning.

Jag skulle vilja att Du var här nu.
Med mig och mina nya temuggar. Jag har köpt allt nytt - för två.

Illusions.

...

Jag vårdar dig i min tanke.
Älskar dig i denna eviga väntan.

Du.

...

Sådan är jag.

Logiskt ologisk.
Inåtvänt exhibitionistisk.
Nattsvart optimistisk.
Drömskt vaken.

Springer för livet och övar mig på att inte snubbla.

Mitt sinne rör sig genom en värld där det inte går att fly uppåt, en liten ask där jag springer planlöst kring. Vågorna som faller in i stora skred genom mina drömmar stänger alla dörrar och tvingar ner taket i mitt huvud.

Kanske säger det något om verkligheten?

Nattsena ord, ordsliga natterier.
Adjektivoaddicted
Me.

Nu däckar jag snart.
Nattugglan har vridit huvudet en aning ur led.

...

Visar mig allt jag behöver
Lär mig allt jag vill kunna
Tar mig över broar, där jag själv lägger stenarna

Livet är en vacker plats

...

Det finns få ting som jag älskar så som tystnaden.
Få ting som gör mig så lugn som luft en sval kväll, ensam i utkanten av människornas samtal.

Hade jag kunnat leva mitt liv halvt sovandes i ett rum av mjukt sorl, så hade jag. Kanske smeker någon mig över håret och vilar blicken på mig i några sekunder, men egentligen vill jag mest vara där, utan att någon egentligen kontaktar mig.

De får se den Sol de ser och missar dom en sida av myntet som förevigt snurrar, vad rör det mig?

Ibland känns ord befängda. Onödiga.
Det finns få ting som jag älskar så som tystnaden.

Mirror mirror on the floor (Swedish post - sorriiie)

2008-09-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

Hösten kommer alltid till mina rum med en skarp smäll. På samma sätt som oönskad reklam en tidig lördagmorgon; in genom brevinkastet du glömt bort att du hade tack vare 2000-talets e-fakturor och autogiron. För du får väl inte några mysiga handskrivna brev (längre), du heller? Tänkte väl det.

Om jag härmed fick hösten att verka ovälkommen, så formulerade jag mig aningen klumpigt. Jag älskar hösten.

Ensamheten.

Vakenheten.

Vekheten.

Kärleken.

Uppriktigheten.

Höstdepressioner?
Nope.
Har inte haft tid att odla tvivel på mig själv, ångest eller självömkan. Jag har varit jävligt busy med att överleva. Större delen av tiden, inser jag denna höstnatt, när jag sitter här och gräver på internet efter rester av mina gamla jag. Mina kära, sårbara, ömsade jag. Slitna, urholkade skinn som ligger och skräpar här och där i etern.

Faktum är att det är skönt att se dem i just detta skräpande tillstånd. Det betyder att jag inte bär dem längre. Att jag omöjligen kan klä mig i dem igen och få dem att passa, även om jag försöker ibland - för att minnas. Det betyder att jag kan relatera till människor jag möter, som går klädda i mina gamla skrudar, men också att jag har kommit vidare. Att livet har tillåtit mig att fortsätta existera, i nya former.

Det finns alltid ett litet ord som vill manipulera den mänskliga hjärnan. Om.

Alltför ofta hör jag människor använda detta ord i samma andetag som "om si och så - så hade allt varit snyggare, lyckligare, bättre."

Varför utmana den lilla lycka vardagen kan skänka, genom att förkrympa sig själv, sina val och de rum genom vilka man färdas?

Jag tillåter mig endast att använda detta lilla ord någon enstaka gång då och då, för att unna mig själv de små mirakel som ligger som en ryggrad genom min historia.

Idag finns ett sådant OM, som jag hade önskat att jag kunde portionera ut till så många kvinnor och män runt omkring jorden.

Ni har säkert som jag följt historien om det nu ökända huset i Amstetten, där en man höll sin dotter Elisabeth och hennes barn i fångenskap i ex antal år. Att människor försvinner spårlöst och eventuellt dyker upp senare, åtföljda av de mest makabra historier - tillhör, hur omöjligt det än är att acceptera, vår löpsedelsvardag.

Jag är en superwoman, i mångt och mycket, men jag kan inte hålla tillbaka tårarna när människor blir utsatta för fysiskt eller psykiskt våld, svält eller annan ondska i någon form. Jag har en ocean av kollektiv sorg inom mig, som jag hoppas att jag en dag skall få orken att formulera till något starkt, konstruktivt och hjälpande. Det är ett filter som jag fortfarande inte har lyckats bygga upp mot samhället jag lever i. Effektiva skygglappar råder det annars ingen brist på, även om jag försöker vara modig och vandra utan dem minst någon gång i veckan.

Mitt Om denna natt är egentligen ett tack, riktat till en katt och en uppmärksam farbror. Jag befann mig i en avlägsen dåtid på en från världen avskiljd yta, i ett tillstånd och i en situation som kunde ha berövat mig min framtid, mitt förflutna.

Här kommer magin: OM inte en katt envisats med att hålla mig sällskap på kanten av en mur, tills dess ägare saknade den så mycket att han sökte upp den och fann mig, hade jag varit kvar där. Förmultnat, ruttnat, gått sönder, drunknat i mina ömsade skinn där.

Jag tror på OM som räddar liv.
Jag tror på OM som uträttar små mirakel.
Jag tror på att varje människa kan formulera någon annans OM. Varje dag. I busskön, på ica. OM fyllda av kärlek, omtanke, civilkurage och uppmärksamhet.

Låt oss hoppas att någon av er därute blir försvunna Carolines OM.

...

Så det är höst.
Det är tankar.
Minnen och känslor.

Jag är här, jag bloggar lite, älskar mycket och gråter när jag behöver.
Här finns mycket att vara tacksam för.

Skål.

Hardcore saturday ;)

2008-09-12T15:00:00.001-07:00

Life in a nutshell?

2008-09-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

Monday, Tuesday...Wednesday...

;)

And a last one

2008-09-10T14:05:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

Umm..

Båtlåt Spiksmedjan 08 with Thomas von Wachenfeldt and Hans-Erik Hall

2008-09-10T13:19:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

We had a couple of sweet sweet gigs this summer in Gränsfors, a small community close to Sundsvall. I'll be back there in the end of Oktober. And also I will upload 4 more songs from this evening, as soon as my internet accepts it =)

Trasig skor with Thomas Von Wachenfeldt and Hans-Erik Hall

2008-09-10T12:49:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

And another ;)

Cecilia Lind Spiksmedjan with Thomas von Wachenfeldt and Hans-Erik Hall 08

2008-09-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

Another song from the same event

Today and tomorrow it is.

2008-09-10T03:48:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna rearrange and finish the songs for my album, so that I can hand them over to Staffan next week.

So I go underground for a couple of days now.

See ya!

To a dear friend

2008-09-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

To a dear dear friend

Have I violated you

There's no more, pretending - I forgotten
So forgive me, if I spend some time alone now
Didn't mean to bring you sadness
Didn't mean to hurt - you're a tender, caring person
I'm just - something

So how come - suddenly I became the bad one
Have I violated you?

A phone call could have changed today
I don't know what to say
A quiet fear I think I just lost you

Lovers always come my way
Some hit the road, where others stay
And I'm afraid I float above you

Chorus

To tired to explain myself
So sad - what you expect from me
Is nothing I can give you

I'm a fucking mess, for some
When I am focusing on one
I just completely loose my mind

Chorus

Godnatt (in Swedich - to late now for Eng.)

2008-09-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

Avrundade dagen genom att sjunka in i tre av mina mest älskade vänner. Mjuka, rofyllda samtal landade mjukt i magen strax efter midnatt och i dyningarna efter dem kan jag nog finna sömn inatt.

Jag har vägt över till min högra fot, som oftast svävar lite i luften när jag hänger på min aktiva vänstra och känner nu den där stabila, målmedvetna energin som alltid dyker upp inombords när jag hittar en plats och ett syfte där jag känner mig delaktig. Det är en nerv av stål, glödande men samtidigt hård och oböjlig, som motiverar mig bortom alla ord om gentjänster och ersättningar.

När flickan som tittar tillbaka på mig ur spegeln bär ett stilla skimmer i ögonen; så som hon gör ikväll, är jag som mest hel.

Låt mig vara behövd och jag uträttar stordåd. Jag vill vara soldaten, riddaren eller den goda feen i dess mest romantiserade form. Där får mitt innersta inre utrymme och virvlarna på ytan kan lugna sig.

Sov gott världen. Läs klok litteratur och väg det som är dig kärt. Kanske blir du förvånad över hur tungt lastad du egentligen är där du går. Unna dig då att känna dig förbannat stark. Egentligen är det inte problemen och det som gör ont som är svårast att packa i ryggsäcken. Det är det skira, spröda, blyga och anonyma som lättast blir glömt under köksbordet.

Tänk på det ni.

Love/Sol

Give me a fucking matrix plugg-in-thing

2008-09-08T12:38:00.000-07:00

How the fuck are you supposed to live your life?

Once again: what if there was such a thing as a matrix-plugin?

* You could hang out with friends no matter the distance.
* You could teach things in seconds so you wouldn't waste time searching, working with and inhaling information.
* Maybe like in "Minority Report" you'd be able to record your dreams, emotions etc, so you could send them in small packages to people around you - no more explanations, misunderstandings etc.
* Not only visionary people could try their dreams or ideas, it would be kinda safe even for more careful and laid back persons to explore their limits, and I think that would do a better world. To many disillusioned grown ups would support others success.
* You could meet your fears without the chances of killing yourself or cause yourself to much brain damage...
* You'd be sort of telepathic, and teleportation-able.
* Schools could put students in different cultural environments - to force them to live and learn and respect each-other. (Hopefully)
* Nations with poor education and money to build schools could be supported with small "get online sticks" and then be educated no matter where they live. (This could be done today as well through web-conferences, but that involves a place to collect the students, a computer etc etc = money/time/materials.)
* You could choose to create a "matrix-you" that other could use as they pleased. At least for shallow people who only like to abuse you, that would spair you some time. (Better alternative: You just learn to say no and learn to challenge the pain if they turn you the back if you do so.)
* Severely ill persons would be able to experience some sort of VirtualReality-life. (Btw, what happened with VR? Am I the only one still fanatically interested in robots, AI etc? I know it's a bit childish; but to me it sounds both scary and cool. I love humans, but since there's no "rumpnissar" to have around I'd love a electronic smart smurf instead :P And I'd be the first to battle their rights to exist as more then slaves...Starwars next huh...It's just mind-blowing to create a whole new VR world that you could really step into. And try. Test different impacts in a safe surrounding and then implement it to our world. Uhm. I have a big fantasy and a taste for creating fake-worlds.)

Obvious problems:
Brainwashing. ON the other hand, there's a reason I don't have a tv and that I normally don't read magazines etc if they are not "based on facts". I just don't wanna filter all the crap and hidden advertising all over the fucking place. Makes me a little bit less "good all-round educated" but at least I stay sain. As wonderful the ark putted it back then.

So I know the thoughts given up there are a bit naiv. But I'm a dreamer, I never claimed to be something else. There's always good and bad points of view, people who want's to step on you, feed of you, use you and leave you empty, disappointed and disjointed.

I've been there. I've experienced the feeling. I've been a stuped, loving, soft little girl giving and giving without questioning. There's bees protecting my wasps' nest and the honey inside me nowadays. From myself, from the urge to just give it away. To obey and please people just to meet a smile. Even a fake smile. Oh I've been lonely, but I prefer to be lonely and whole then jumping and bumping around without arms and legs just because someone else needed them.

My mind just floats now. So excuse me if I change subject.
I wanna be in so many places at the same time.

I wanna spend my time listening to people telling their life-stories in the buss-line.

I wanna work with trafficking/prostitution/sexual abuse etc, on a very personal level. I have so much to share, to give. An open mind that won't judge but be honest and truly caring.
I wanna do more for the earth and my environments health besides telling Emma that she shouldn't buy raisins in small cute wrappings, even if her grand-mother use to give her them, cause it's waist of energy and material etc.
I'd love to get involved in growing generations. I'm always talking with my mum about this subjects, she's pretty involved being a teacher and chief, and once she starts researching children psychological development, I'll follow her closely.
I wanna go out and talk to

I wanna explore the ultimate flexibility and meet as many people as I possibly can, cause each time I do I grow, and cross my heart and hope not to die, but forbid that I stagnate as a person. I'm not finished. I refuse to be. Till I die.
At the same time I wanna be close, closer closest, but that has nothing to do with time. It has to do with how you spend it, and I never saw that as a problem. I invite people and they invite me. And I have a limit of on person a finger, that I can have that relationship to. And it's ok. I mean I don't pretend to be no goddess... ;)

I wanna start a hang-out-creative-place-community-office that could attract humans no matter of age. We spend almost no time over generation lines, and that's so sad it makes me cry sometimes. I'm so happy coming from a family with pure hippi traditions. Not everyone has that.

Hmm.

Neeeext.

Css

2008-09-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

This is what I have been staring at the last hours. I just doesn't understand what I am doing wrong, my page seems to flip the layout without reason. Just sometimes. When I have reloaded so many times that I think everything is ok.

Gahh..

#header {
height: 150px;
background: transparent url(../images/header_bg.jpg) top center no-repeat;
margin: 10px auto 0 auto;
width: 940px;
padding: 0;
}

#header_main .hleft {
float: left;
width: 474px;
height: 276px;
background: transparent url(../images/header_cinelogo.png) top left no-repeat;
padding: 0;
}

#header_main .hright {
float: left;
width: 466px;
height: 256px;
padding: 10px 0 0 10px;
}

#header_main .hright .hwr-left {
float: left;
width: 228px;
}

#header_main .hright .hwr-right {
float: right;
width: 228px;

Oh well.

Gotta have a break now.
See ya later alligator.

Right here, right now - September day

2008-09-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a first demo-version of a song written today, recorded today, super analog for being Sol :P

There'll be more guitars, some sort of drums and some fiddle before it's finished.
And a flute?

Oh I don't know. And I know I suck at playing solos, but I had fun. *smiles*

I just recorded a feeling.
Right here, right now - September day

If you think it's written for you, it most probably is ;)

Mmm, I know. I know. But I can't help it. I love being in love.

September day

So now that I've found you
Put those footprints by me
So now that I love you
Can we do it our way?

Come dream in my shade

Assume I adore you
Will you treat me with grace?
Assume this is for you
Like the smile on my face

Come dance where I lay

Hold your breath
I'm in the air you breath
September day
Keep me closer to your knee
I'll rest here awhile

I guess, you can see me
In different kinda ways
And I plan to feed you
With different kinds of me

Embrace me today

I need no tomorrow
No promises made
There's no place to hurry
Just spend some time with me
I'm here
I'm here
I'm here

Hold your breath
I'm in the air you breath
September day
Keep me closer to your knee
I'll rest here awhile

So now that I've found you
Will we be
Lovers?

Back in Malmö

2008-09-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

I've just landed after one of the longest "happy moments" in my life. One month, filled with inspiration, new possibilities, warmth and love. It's been a travel, both on the inside and the outside. I'm filled with faith, when I sit down with a cup of the in my apartment in Malmö tonight. I touch my almost unused furniture's and smile.

I had a short try here, in this room. A honest quest to build a home, a material home. I invested almost 10' to create a personal space here. And even if I love this little corner, I know now, once and for all, that having my own bed and kitchen doesn't make me happy. Home for me, is where I can spend time with people that I love. Where I can rest my head and be sure that there is love when I fall asleep and when I wake up. Where I can be left alone, but also reach for a hug 60 times a minute if I want to.

So I do it again. I move. But this time to something I really really want and need. Not just because I have to. Or because I search for something. But because I have found what I am looking for.

Haha, I really wrote that.

I have found what I've been looking for. Oh my.

So, what's next?
I will be "folkbokförd" in Stockholm, in a lovely collective. Just a one room apartment, but with an ocean of heart and soul, hippies, music and computer-nerds. I'll have my little studio corner and rest place there for as long as it suits us.

Second, as I have told you before, I'll stay at Thomas house in Gränsfors, some weeks here and there when I need a break from Malmö and Stockholm. (Yeah, I'll still have some clothes and things down here at a friends place too, can't help I love this city.)

Last I'll hang around in Östersund, oh I know it's waaaay up there, but where there's a place to grow, there's a place for Sol. *smiles* And I still have my missions.

So, sweet friends, good things comes to me. CSN suddenly decided to change their minds (when I had already paid 2500sek) and welcome me with a letter with the number 0 in it. Also, I get rid of my apartment the 1 of Oktober instead of 1 of November, and it saves me another 4500, that I can put into my projects.

It's a great evening =)

So, I see ya soon! Gotta sleep some.

Tadaa :P

Webpage maintenance

2008-09-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am looking over my web pages atm to add some new portfolio things, new spiced up things belonging to my new release etc etc.

I am finally gonna start my label and production company Accented, in a visible shape. So, have some patience, cause it might take some time before it's up and running.

I'll tell you =)

Oh uh oohhh...

2008-09-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

How I feel today. Simply like this. Calm. Sad. But alive and full of lust. It's fall coming through.

I'm in the best company. But I am still longing...

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

Funny. Ironic and a bit disturbing.

2008-09-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

95 I found a band called "This perfect day", I contacted them, they wrote back and I had a home made tape with their songs that tyeh were kind enough to send to me and my best friend, who really adored them. Since then I have tried to find them on youtube, but only got Lou Reed and the song Perfect day from Trainspotting in my face.

I actually began to wonder if they weren't that big, besides in my small world back then. Today a friend of mine mentioned them in a blogg, and I made a new attempt to find them. And so here we go!

Brilliant music that I've been longing to put on my blogg, and that have inspired me from the very beginning, when I actually wrote punk/rock music with weird lyrics. You gotta love em :P

So, today I am a webmaster and AD. Tomorrow an editor and copywriter. And during the weekend a soundproducer.

Life is sweet.

Jiha. Bambuser me and Mathias In the Kungsan Sthlm

2008-09-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Enjoy ;)

Empty Street

2008-09-01T05:35:00.001-07:00

Click to Play

This song is about children in the streets, about being unseen and ignored. The video is directed by Stefan Hallgren at Happy Minds and edited by Sol Skugga. To learn more about my music, visit myspace.com/solskugga.

So. I have a preliminary date now.

2008-08-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

The paper says there can be changes if someone else has to be taken care of before me. But I'll most probably have my operation in the beginning of February.

Afraid?

Jupp. But also brave. You can't really be brave if there's no fear. I hate hospitals. Even if they saved my life. And I know there'll be so much pain involved this time, they wouldn't be so specific about that it's my decision if it's not a pretty bad thing to go through. I just have to do this. And It can't be worse. I guess. Then before. I mean I've had a needle between my fingertips, sewing a scar by hand. Without saying a word.

I know the pain will not go away for ever. It's more like I'll be given a place to breath, that's longer then 3 weeks a time. Maybe a year, or two. And in that time I'm gonna dance again, like crazy. Ride a horse like I used to, run like I used to. That's worth everything.

So, next year will start with me laying down. So I really have to find a place to hide. A place to be lonely. Or maybe not. Maybe not this time. I don't know. We'll see about it.

I'm prepared.

Beautiful freak

2008-08-31T04:21:00.000-07:00

You're such a beautiful freak
I wish there were more just like you
Youre not like all of the others

And that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
That is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

Some people think you have a problem
But that problem lies only with them
Just cause you are not like the others

But that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
Yeah that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

Too good for this world
But I hope you will stay
And Ill be here to see that you dont fade away

Youre such a beautiful freak
I bet you are flying inside
Dart down and then go for cover

And know that i
I love you
Beautiful freak,
You know that i
I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

You are all so damn sweet!

2008-08-31T01:01:00.000-07:00

So this morning I bumped into 15 messages at myspace/my email that told me they where happy to have found my blogg that I posted info about just the other day. You make me blush a bit but I'll try and keep it as open and pure as I can, even if I now understand that you are actually reading what I say. You know, I prefer to see this blogg more as a monolog, Can't really let go of my words otherwise.

Anyways. Thank you so MUCH for beeing here for me!!! If I had a thousand arms I'd hug you all and bring you to stay in my apartment :P

Love!

/Sol

And then it happens. You are there.

2008-08-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

At times back in time, I wondered about people who didn't realise where they were. Who didn't appreciate who they hanged out with and what they had accomplished in life, so far.

Things happen so quickly - but at the same time, when you are in the middle you forget about yesterday.
It's easy.

Today I've had some time alone. Thinking about myself and the road that brought me here. Listening to things I were proud of 3 and 2 years ago. Realizing that all those nights, hours and seconds I've spent on learning, rehearsing, reading, trying and trying and never giving up have given me so much back.

I AM an artist now. I haven't had lika a hugh break-through. But noone question me whit a kind smile, when I say I am a singer, a songwriter and that I try to make a living out of what I do.

I have companies that are willing to work with me because they belive they can make money out of me. Friends who support me because they believe in my dreams. Amazing musicians who are spending time learning chords I have written, and recording on my albums. Musicians I could only dream of even saying hello to.

I have visitors that I didn't ask to drop by. I am on the fucking front-page of a real labels new website, who helped me shoot a beautiful video and master some of my songs.
Read: Happy minds

I'm on my way. I'm travelling. I sease the moment - not in a whacked out ego-boost kinda way - more in a soft kharma way. I can be at peace for a while and know that I must have done something right. And it's enough. I'm here.

A humble request, help me if you like what I do

2008-08-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

So...

Those of you who follow me, and know how hard I work to create some beauty for this world: I try my very best to get it together, and now I have all contacts I need and the knowledge to reach out there and give you my soul, love and with a little push I'll be able to travell this world and visit you to become a part of your life.

I don't need anything to keep my inspiration going, but my body needs food and the companys who are interested in promoting me, needs money to do so. So, if you'd like to by me a cup of coffe, a new soundcard, a pretty dress or just give me a small hug in a more physical shape than beutiful words (that I live of at the moment), are welcome to give a small present aftet your own taste by clicking this button. Tell me when you've done so, and I will add you to a special donation list that will give you all music I'll create in the future to you for free. This is a way for me to surrvive and you to get my singles, albums and things for one coin if that's what you think it's worth. I really really need your help right now.

Thanks and I hope that one day I can share love and help you back in return.
/Sol

Give me some resistance and I get stronger

2008-08-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am enthusiastic most of time. I know I am always a bit humoristic on the outside, that’s my character, created to survive so many serious things in my life. I smile and smile until I smile for real, so to say. I am often seen as a bit “wild” or un-structured because I am open with the ideas and dreams crossing through my mind.
People, who know me, also know I am a person who gets things done, once I have decided so. That I focus on things that can actually be something, and that I don’t get lost in unrealistic thoughts and plans.
So, today I’m gonna tell you about one of the few things related to me as a person, that make me sad once in a while.
My very last shield/mask or whatever you’d like to call it – is the one I put up that have some distance to me and my person. I let me be “the young girl who is okay with that people respect her and her knowledge/ experience, but still think she’s a bit entertaining - something you can joke around with, because she never gets pissed off, just smiles and buys the rules”. This role-playing game’s something I’ve learnt to handle on my way as a girl spending most of my time in a guy’s world. Business wise or not businesswise – the way people meet me, always are drawn at the edge of professionalism and friendship /attraction/ curiosity.
A big part of my success as a person relates to that I sell myself as a product. That’s ok. But sometimes I get a bit mad, angry, tired or just pissed off, being in these shoes, assumed to be playing these games. Sometimes, when I am NOT playing them, just being totally honest, I feel that in one way I have to keep the masquerade up, just because people expect it to be there. Or they think it’s there, when it’s not.
When I simply try to say – hey I adore you as a person – AND I think your project is inspiring, and I really wanna be a part of what you do, on several levels, and I don’t say it to have some advantage or whatever – but the person think it’s so or guess it’s so, it hurts a bit inside. I don’t want people I feel for, think that I am just fooling around with them, as they assume I do with “others”.
What I try to say is: the line between work and privacy often smudge, and that’s natural, and sure – sometimes I’m a bit nicer to get what I want. But when it comes to people I really get interested in, and would like to work with, or spend time with, I always treat them very fair and if I say one thing, I really mean it. On a personal level or a project-sharing level, doesn’t matter.
This is my last weak point. To trust that someone would hang around even if I’m not that “entertaining”. Just because I’m me, and because I am good at whatever fuck it may be. I can hear my voice surfing on the surface, and sometimes I hate it. That flirty, nice, funny me that people fall for, but at the same time keep some distance to, because they are worried she’s just a tease. Well. She’s not.
And that’s when I get really focused, cold and effective. Today is that kind of day. I always think hard and work hard, even if it sounds like I am just spinning around like a mad person. On the inside I am actually pretty calm, still ambitious - but more careful. And I try to be transparent and embrace my surroundings, but when I’m afraid I am being misunderstood, or seen as a naïve, charming youngster, even if it’s just a very small taste of it, I go into my mussel shell and focus on what has to be done, and I back of that girly me and just work my own way to prove I really don’t need what they think I’m after. I only need me, and I’m not that desperate, just very passionate about things I find interesting.
I don’t know if you understand anything of what I am talking about.
I just want to be met with truth, and that what I say or do is received without any preconceived notion about what I have as purpose with my words. If I say I would like to join your company, fuck you, have dinner, learn what you know or borrow your car, - that’s simply the only thing I care for at the moment. It’s not more complicated than that.

And yeah, I’m impulsive. But my heart and brain are fast followers even when I move quickly. Just so you know.

Blessed be.

Haha. Okay. I had to ;)

Reading about tonight

2008-08-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Cool table for mac users!

Free online metronome. pretty neat

Musicovery

Investment something

Human rights in sweden

Am I a buddhist and I think I have got tourettes?

2008-08-29T01:30:00.000-07:00

I had the most overwhelming nice conversation with my friend Mike yesterday after my gig. He asked me about my opinion on reality. And where I normally just go: oh. I’m open minded, smile and change the subject – I opened my heart and soul and told him the truth about me and my universe.
So, I have written a book about this, and it’s a 300 pages x 3 books long story, so I can’t tell you everything about it here. But today I will try and explain how my personal matrix works.
I have dreamt about a continuing place called Aviegnona since I were 6 yrs old. I have friends there, a life that grows on its own, a place to live, people that I hang out with and things that I learn, in the same way as I have here. To me – there’s NO difference at all, besides I experience different places, lifestyles, cultures etc in my two coexisting worlds- What I mean is – when I fall asleep here, my attention draws to that other place, and I spend some time there, in the other me, called Tara. When I wake up here – I have to leave her, even if I’m in the middle of something, and she keeps on doing that whatever thing she does, and will have her own days and nights passing by when I’m not there. When I am strong here, like very focused on this reality, she fades away a bit in her world and vice versa. We try to make this work out the best way we can, but in some parts of my life it has been pretty hard for me to draw a line between us. To not float over the line and smudge all edges between her reality and mine.

My teacher over there, has told me that what we prefer to call a soul, grows in a human body as our mind grows, and some people grow so strong souls, that when they die, that soul travels through some kind of reincarnation between two parallel universes. You will be able to remember things from your past (if you are not a perfectly new soul) in each of those worlds/bubbles, but not from both or over the line. What he thinks happened to me, is that my soul/spark/whatever thing - was divided in two last time I died in Aviegnona, and one travelled here, and the other part got stucked and stayed in Tara. This normally never happens to human beings, if you should listen to their theories - so they don’t know why or how this happened. But that’s how I’ve had it explained to me. (Cats live this way though, living in two worlds at the same time.)

So, our universe is parallel to another alike universe, and other universes work the same over and over out there. When you read about reincarnation you learn that when you go back in your memories you remember things with 80-70 years space/blanks in between the different life’s you may have, and this is- as I said before – explained by that you swap world each time you die (IF you are reincarnated, some people simply die with their body, and some gets lost in the space between these worlds, and becomes what we refer to as ghosts – some sort of present mind that are not really here but not yet gone either. )

So, this will do for today, so I don’t freak you out completely =) If you have any questions, please add them as a comment and I try to reply to them. I could tell you thousands of things about the persons living there, their culture, history etc…
I have a song written to my best friend over there, my teacher and guide Maarion. We’ve had our story, our love and our mistakes, our quarrels and so on. So now you might understand my Swimming without webbed toes album a bit more...

Maarion

So – Mike told me the thing I have experienced in the backstreet of my mind, is pretty similar to what a Buddhist believes, so maybe after all I’m not that atheistic at all. *smiles*

So, back to tourettes. I just can’t stay away from my phone. I sit and laugh at myself, oh well. I’m cute, I never behave this way. Okay, to Emma maybe, but I mean she’s my first girl-friend. I could call her 50 times a day and talk about nothing and she wouldn’t care. At least not when she was still single. It’s like when you find a unbelievable great song, and you have to listen to it sooo many times before you can turn it off.
I have not listened enough yet.
Sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Like with this song from Sleepthief. I love it. If I one day may do some collaboration with him that would be such an honour.

haha, oh, that was another great song from my teenage period. Here comes sleep thief!

What a day and what a night!

2008-08-28T02:47:00.001-07:00

The strings on the guitar broke, we were late and the rain were poring down when we finally finished. I had left my keys at home, so I had no where to go, midnight passed and then I were saved by Mike from Gompa. I slept in a nice and veeery dark studio at Odenplan and today I don't really know how things will turn out. I don't have a band to soundcheck with, but hopefully Mike will help me out once again. I think his an angel =)

So...

Now I have to create some extra-numbers that I can do tonight, cause the songs we've been rehearsing are to few. Ahhh...I'll have fun anyway =) This is just one of those days. I'm having a crazy end of a perfect month. It's ok.

At least Jaiku's back again :P

See ya!

A voice to explain what I tried to say earlier

2008-08-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

All is full of love

Probably the most beautiful video ever.
Followed by:

Green Grass Of Tunnel

Mmm...

Hurt

2008-08-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

I'm on a "break a heart mission" today.
I'm a lion trying to kill softly. Or at least fast. Today it won't help me that I'm vegetarian. There will still be pain in someone elses flesh. It won't help me I wrote big warnings on my walls. I'm here again.
It's ironic.

But I'm calm.
There's no fight inside. No part of me screaming, telling me to stay, to act normal, to try a bit longer, to change direction. To be satisfied and embrace what is given.

My Dearest Sister's finally at peace with my decisions. We finally feel the same. Our heart working as a unit. I wrote a song to her - to that stuborn little me once, called Dear Sister.

Dear Sister

Time and life changes. That's what keeps me sain.
Long story short.

My most beloved died 10 years ago.
I held her hand when she closed her eyes.
I still keep her bracelet around my arm every day.
We still don't know what made her crash and burn.
I simply think she wasn't ment to be kept here.
And I'm always the one surrviving. The one left here.
In this beautyful weird place called reality.
Yeah. I'm Romeo and Julia romantic. I'm that forever and ever soul.

Oh, I've experienced love since then. Friends, sisters, brothers, lovers. But so far only fingetipps on the door handle to the inner circle of my Garden. A few have entered in words, given over internet, but none yet in flesh.

And my Dearest Sister, still caught in that last breath, she stays inside. Waiting. Waaaaaiting. Knowing she might spend her whole life, doing that. I kinda love-hate her for acting that way. But now she has moved from that far away place, and lingers under my skinn. It's a odd feeling. Like beeing 17 again, but still a grown up woman.

Oh hey.
This turns out to be a love letter.
It's funny how things shape themself under my fingers. Songs, lyrics writings. I just let them do so. I never go back and edit. Not this kind of things. Just pictures. Not words. There's a difference. Pictures need some help. Some explanation. Words doesn't.

Work?
Haha. Okay okaaaaaay. I have my deadlines. I better get back to them now.

So, to begin with "hurt", let's end it with "happiness".

From me and my dear sister to you.

Love.

Export, render, paste filters, render, copy, erase

2008-08-26T04:33:00.000-07:00

High definition.
I’m alone.
It’s me, a screen, a window, a pale sky and the sound of my chair as I change position once in a while. I’m editing the past, editing moments already gone.
I am not afraid of tomorrow. I keep the beauty of yesterday, sheltered in words, letters, pictures and sounds, because I am pleased. Because I’d like to remember things the way I felt them. I add some glow to them and save them to my library.
So, arranging and rearranging some frames, is so much more than just making the perfect movie. I have to get lost in emotions. I have to be honest to kneel the right feeling. I have to step outside of my universe and then back again.
Do you wonder if publishing this poetic bullshit makes me happy? Maybe. I hope I don’t hurt your eyes.
Now I have to prepare a sandwich, I am starving.
Oh. Beside.

1. I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna feel you on the inside.

2. You'll be a lover to my bed, and a gun to my head. We must never be apart.

Soundtrack of today. 90th lovers.

A walk at the graveyard

2008-08-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

I got up pretty early today. A walk in the sun, passed by Globen and over the bridge Sofo. Made my sister and her housebound wake up, shower, get in some clothes and follow me down to have some breakfast, loooads of pancakes, as I told you yesterday.

Actually they were a bit rude in the café, having us wait one HOUR before we could enjoy the table, just because they had to "finish slicing some fruit". I excused them. They may have a really bastard to boss, or just some stupid rules. Anyway, I finished at 11.00 AM, slept for a while in my parents apartment an then met a friend from brazil, a nice guy playing guitar. Drop by and give him a visit at:

www.myspace.com/danielmarques

So, bla bla bla, back in what I do and not do. So...

Feel good today:
Phone call from Stefan, (who sang the Swedish National song on my phone answering machine and made me crack a smile of the year. Man I love him).

Feel good tonight:
A walk through Stockholms graveyard, with Björn and a hdvcam. Chill out zone in sweet company and beautiful surroundings, just in my taste. A new, more then welcome friendship.

And something bad:
I have forgotten something, important. And therefor - I don't know what it is. Just that there's something. WHAT IS IT!!! I go through my list over and over. Money, things to do, friends, birthdays...

Something - something sticky, itchy, hairy...iiiiiihhhh.

Pm = Pre night. Am = After midnight. I have decided so. And. THERE is no such thing as "herr-trosa". Oh nooooooooo =)

Ah well. This works fine. I need a car!

See ya =)

Hippi community here we go

2008-08-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

Pizza, Coffee, Madeira and three Mac's.

Life can be like this. We have seen the last chapters of Lord of the ring, as always fever inside when memories of my most beloved Antares - my fairy tail one, rushes through my soul. It's been 10 years and I haven't found any words yet. But I have a song on my mind. I might put it on my Gardenia album. If I let it out in time.

I remain in the shadows.

Tonight there's beauty, new friends and a longing for tomorrow. Tomorrow there's pancakes with an elder sister and things to be done.

I might get some sleep.
Though I am open...

Midnight at Skånegatan Stockholm

2008-08-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Muhahahaha!

I am so tired and restless now, that I spend time laughing at reversed video clips. The Swedish language sounds sooo funny in this empty room, and the movement of my eyeballs looks super mega strange.

Do I need company? No. Actually I am fine. I'm having a nice date with my self :P

On the edge

2008-08-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

3 years?

It feels a liiiiittle bit uncomfortable to sit here again. To say hello. I'm back. I'm still alive. I still think so much that my eyes almost bumps out of my head at times, I still have a garden inside where I keep everything and everyone that I love and yupp - I sleep less then I should and I have the most beautiful (but sometimes to odd for not invited to understand) friend-lover-sister-brother-relationships. I’m not complicated, but complex and sometimes I fear that I have a serious schizophrenia going on. So I talk too much, or shut my mouth and hope that you won’t notice.

On the other hand. I’m not here to be hired. I’m here to make my mistakes, learn my lessons and have fun. I wouldn't be that interesting if I were completely cleaned from stupid, self destructive manners? Would I? Yes, dearest. I’m older now then back then, more wise – hopefully - with less sorrow, but the same strength. A bit kinder to myself, but still haunted by love.

No, I’m not doing drugs. I’ve had too many friends dying due to not-meant-for-the-body-input, and I would fail them if I repeated their mistakes and offered my money to things that killed them. You already know this about me: I don’t need alcohol, synthetics or weed to embrace life. I have my passions, I’ve always had. I depend on one sole thing to stay sane - I need hugs and more hugs…aaand more hugs. And sometimes a kiss.

My body works like a scale of a balance. It’s broken inside and needs glue to keep it together from the outside. You, my most beloved, are that only glue. I can live ripped a part, I did for a long long time, but I can’t ask of others to take care of themselves if I don’t. So now I’m asking for what I need. And that’s a little bit of skin. A tender touch. Energy from something shaped well. I’m not. But I keep it together.

I’ve had my cancer; and I have some daemons still jumping around in my veins. It’s okay. In one way I love them. As long as there is pain, there is life. So excuse me if I go and hide sometimes. If I tell you no, even if I wanna dance. It’s not me beeing a bore, just that little freak on the inside having a bad day.

So, hello diary.

Or what are you? A friend, a stranger listening, someone curios or just anybody dropping by? A person who doesn't really give a shit.

Do you?
I give a shit.

About normal things, like breakfast (The first thing in the morning - just a quick shower, then food. I'm having this very cute little dragon in my stomach that wakes me up in the mornings, craving food. I'm not kidding. You may see the scar that brought it in there if you seduce me...)

Or avoiding things like television. I guess you smile now, and think – oh, she’s like that. Sewing her own clothes, drawing her own art, listening to her own music, writing her own poems. You win! You are right. But hey – I read books, I love spending elate nights absorbed by odd or completely normal movies, I love "haning out with my friends" and I have my heartaches and my weak moments. I’m just like you.

Ok. I might not long for a “normal” life, with a normal apartment, family and those things. I like chaos combined with me being alone a lot. I need black and whites, and lilacs and greens. And grays. I’m like a cat.

Mjaooou: “Leave me the fuck alone, but please reach out and touch me right now.”

On the other hand - I find it very amusing to make fun of myself and put different boxes around my person, like I just did. But when it comes down to basics, to that point in the center of my soul where there’s only me alone having a conversation with me– the only and only thing I care for is giving away oceans of love, to someone who can handle it. No borders, no rules. Only pure, wild love that craves nothing in return, besides a pale hope that it’s accepted and that the person will stay alive and be happy and completed.

It’s a bit funny. But we live in a community where people are afraid of sharing that kind of love. My desire for a place where jealousy isn’t needed, because there’s trust and other forms of satisfaction – binds me to the road I’m at.

So. Today The noises in my head differ so much, so they ease out and it's quiet. Like when full light from all coloures becomes white.

Have I just found that place? Have I? That's the one thought bumping around in my head every day now. Have I? I try so hard not to behave like a crazy person, to remain focused. I’ve created a life-style for myself to stay busy and escape the fact that I can’t have what I long for the most. Someone as broad as me. Broader then broadway broad ;)

Breath me, breath me. Be my friend; as Sia should put it (Beautiful creature, visit her at myspace.com/siamusic)

I avoid looking in the mirror when I put my makeup on. Not afraid of what’s in my eyes. Just ignoring the edge a bit longer. Normally I just turn and walk the other way, I never look back. I can’t do it this time. Oh man, I’m trouble. Not for you, I know how to handle myself, no worries. But to me. The vampyria in my chest woke up.
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me, she whispers. Feeee..e.e.e.d *smiles*

She doesn’t want him for herself. She needs him to change absolutely nothing. But she needs him to accept all roses she can bring, all songs she can write and all love she can give birth to. Just because his pure existence makes her so fucking happy. She’s riot. She’s smashing pumpkins and Ava Adore, she’s Utan dina andetag by Kent. She’s completely wasted. Words words, more words.

I know I have left her starving for ages. So I give her this. And even if he disappears or stays the distance, there’s more hope for a future now then yesterday.
And that makes me shine. So keep your sunglasses on.

Ouups. I got lost in words, I always do =)

So - Back to where I started. What’s normal? I guess it depends.

I wanna save the world. Who doesn’t? I wanna build a huge aircraft, where I can put every rapist, murder and unloving person and let them go straight into the sun. BURN you dark ugly human beings. It would be so nice and easy. Huh?

Hmm. Would it make me any better? Nope, I’d fit to go with them if I really made that happen, so I won’t. I won’t judge people, not the one who threw sharp things after me in school, not the man who sliced my youth and virginity in small, small pieces that he made me swallow, not the people hurting each other around the globe.
The only thing I can TRY is to be a great person, and to do my best giving love and affection to my surroundings. I prefer to live open minded, to ask and learn along the way. To welcome both pain and warmth.

It’s no new truth, that what makes you live, also kills you. You can’t stop breathing, but if you could you’d probably have less bad particles and oxidants destroying your lungs, flesh and bones. In the same way you can’t grow, love or have fun, if you are not willing to accept scrubs, lost and grief.

It’s all said before. As most things are. But they are still worthy of a thought.

Today I sparkle